Do you think that this stalwart stone can turn back the monolithic oppression?
I do.
Many people have said this before me but truer words are rarely spoken.
There is power in words.
But what kind of power?!
Seriously, what kind of power can be in mere vibrations?
If they’re strong enough, sure vibrations can have physical power, but who cares about that?
Have you ever listened to an emotional song or a speech that was truly moving? K. D. Lang’s Hallelujah, Metallica’s One, Eien No Mirai from Rurouni Kenshin, or Beethoven’s Midnight Sonata, the list is endless.
They are merely words and vibrations that hit your ears, but haven’t you ever felt something strange in your chest, your throat, somewhere around there? It’s like the trademark of emotion, but yet it’s from something completely physical; this energy.
Words have power, and it’s not merely the physical but the metaphysical, the spiritual as well.
It’s a mystical thing; communication. Even if we don’t understand a language, we can often communicate; from just the sound of the words we can guess at the meaning, albeit not finite specifics but certainly general points.
It’s because it’s just a physical aspect of the median our true beings are using to communicate with each other. It’s what the physical world hears when we communicate.
That being so, what’s to stop our words from influencing these unperceivable forces?
What do you think of the term “It’s not my time.”?
At first glance it relatively simple and not exactly noteworthy but try saying it out loud; go ahead, no one is going to think you’re insane and if they do, who cares?
Just say it!
Good, very good. How did that sound? Pretty neat, huh? Now say it again, but slower, more resolute, mean it!
Don’t be afraid to be loud! Being quiet is like being afraid and that’s not very resolute, is it?!
Keep saying it, over and over again! Mean it with all your bloody heart! It is not your time! You will not lose! You will survive and carry on and nothing is going to stand in your way; not enemies, not fatigue, not fate, and certainly not fear!
Now sum it all up in one sentence!
It’s not my time!
It’s not your time!
Summon your entire being into your words and address the entirety of the world, make them listen and tell them, the world, the forces you can’t even perceive, make them listen to what you have to say!
It’s not your time!
It’s very powerful, that sentence, and it truly shows the power of resolve when spoken out loud.
You’re telling everything from the distant stars to fate itself that no matter what they have in mind, it’s not your time.
In battle, morale plays a massive factor and in the beginning of the battles of old, there would be inspirational speeches, motivational announcements, pep rallies of sorts, and this increased morale heading into battle.
But they’re just words, and yet they feed these soldiers with a strength that can overpower their opposition.
Trust me when I say this: resolve comes first, the world follows in suit.
When you’re resolute, you’re courage is boosted and your spirits heightened. That being so your burdens are lifted and your motivation renewed; the world is yours.
So here’s a question for you, though it may be a little rough.
If there are two warriors, each completely equaled in strength, speed, endurance and all other attributes. Now imagine they’re fighting but can you predict the outcome?
Of course you can’t, because they’re completely equaled in their combat skills, so then how do we determine the winner? How does said winner defeat the other?
Don’t you dare give me the cowardly answer of saying that they beat each other at the same time. They would both see that situation coming and avoid it easily as they are both completely equaled.
Now, let’s throw another factor into the mess.
Warrior one doesn’t want to hurt warrior two and warrior two wants to defeat warrior one no matter the cost for whatever reason.
It’s pretty obvious that warrior two will beat warrior one, and from something so obvious we can deduct something as completely astounding as the fact that mere reasons for fighting can tip the balance of the battle.
Warrior two was resolute in his battle for victory, warrior one was not. Of course warrior two won!
You may think I’m just some naïve kid who thinks that good always beats evil and just being courageous and resolute can beat the bad guys every time, but it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not.
The point is, resolve is unbelievably strong in this world of ours and with it, we can do wonders.
I’m resolute, I know I am.
Every day I’m resolute in almost everything I do. When JM and her friend dared me to pull down my pants in grade six, I replied with a perfectly resolute “no” and they didn’t even have the will to resist and say another word before I left.
Resolve brought me my freedom from JS’ oppression in my relationship with her. It brought me friendship with N, saved SG’s life, brought two people together, and I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it has spread a lot of good throughout the world so far.
Let me warn you now; at some point in this night I’m going to tell you a story, and you’re going to agree with the label I’ve given myself with this book; madman.
When I found that note, left by SG, I was completely resolute in my finding him and knocking some sense into him; guess what I did!
I found him and knocked some sense into him, though it’s disappeared by now, the point is I knocked sense in him through my resolve.
I told you about the drama between me and N and though I did tell you the conclusion, I didn’t go into detail at all.
There was one day that I wanted to write but couldn’t because it wasn’t night so I logged onto the game Guild Wars and checked my friends list to see who was on as I hadn’t played in months.
I expected SH, maybe SG, but neither were on. Instead, it was N that was online at that point in time.
I was surprised to say the least; I thought he’d quit the game long ago but apparently I was wrong.
From the moment I saw that he was online to my next action must have been a fraction of a second. As soon as I saw his character’s name on my friends list my resolve had been forged in the fires of my soul and my path made clear, regardless what happened I was going to try and make things right.
Right away I opened up a chat and said hi, but I immediately followed up telling him that I needed to say something to him before anything else, to which he didn’t respond which was expected as I assume he was awaiting what it was I needed to say.
I explained that I was sorry, that I’d betrayed him, as J did to me but in an even worse way. I told him how emotionally tortured I was from it and just how deeply I regretted it and concluded with my most sincere apologies.
He replied with an apology of his own but I wont really get into that, I’ll just skip ahead and tell you that after explaining what I had done, my reasoning at the time, and everything else I could think of, he had told me that he didn’t believe I had acted wrongly based on my thoughts.
I felt like collapsing in relief when he said that, I was so happy and if it wasn’t for my resolve, I wouldn’t’ve had the courage to even say hi that day.
Directly proceeding, we played the game for a few hours that night and it was some of the best fun I’ve had in a nice long while; I just couldn’t get over the fact that I’d finally restored things with N.
And you know what?
It didn’t end there.
The next day, though it was hard to do in person, I started up a conversation at school and sat down with him on the landing. It was so great to see him sit up and actually interact with me!
Life is just swell, huh?
I guess I’ve been beating around the bush for quite some time now; time to get to my real point.
LMW, my true love who is in
She’s so sweet and cute; I love her so much and she truly is my life.
Now to tie her into my resolve.
I’ve been completely resolved since before she left that she would be completely fine and everything would go perfectly. I told her that it would be perfect and there was no need to waste her thoughts on the surgery when there were better things to think about.
I may not have been completely resolute, but by god I was resolute!
Even though I couldn’t go with her, even though I couldn’t do anything physical to help her, like get her somewhere or beat up some bad guy, I still think that I helped out, and I’ll tell you why in a second.
I can see spirits.
Go ahead and think I’m weird – I am.
But it’s the honest to god truth; I can see spirits but not as vividly as my mother.
When we see them, it’s like we see them with our spirits and not our eyes; very hard to explain.
It’s more like you tap into mediums to identify them. Like one time my mom felt a tightness on her arms from this guy wearing a suit and it turned out to be a cousin of my dad’s grandparents, I believe, as he was so tall he could never find a suit that fit him.
The thing is, we tap into these images of the spirits and we see them with our spirits, not our eyes. When we look where they are and focus our eyes on them, we get the signals sent to our head saying that there’s nothing there and most of the time that’s when the spirit disappears.
You kind of have to make sure you’re not looking directly at it, or it’ll disappear.
It doesn’t matter much for me though; I can hardly see them anyways. When I see them, it’s a mass but with no distinct features unless I’m really close. I saw a girl before but that’s only when I was a foot away from her, and old man too.
And, of course, I’ve seen my dog, Rosie, as well. I told you how we lost her and she tends to come when I need comforting, especially when I’m sad about losing her. I can feel her rubbing up against the back of my legs, just standing there like she used to, making you feel like you’re gonna fall over backwards. And then she’d turn her head around your leg and look at you, I miss her so much.
Well, one night she showed up beside my bed when I was thinking about LMW. She knew I was sad and she just wanted to cheer me up, but I asked her to go to LMW and protect her.
Next thing I knew she was gone, but I had a sense of confirmation so I know that right now, she’s watching over my angel, making sure she’s okay.
That in itself I think played a great role in LMW’s recovery, but that’s not the big part that glues my self appointed label to my forehead.
That event came a few nights ago.
It was an odd time, I’d woken up in the middle of the night with this massive and odd sense of LMW, I’m not sure what it was but it didn’t feel like there was something particularly wrong, or something particularly good for her; it was just something involving her.
The next day I’d tell my mom and she said that she was woken up at about the same time with a very similar sense, but mine was very unique.
After I sat there a few moments, thinking deeply about her, I started to speak out loud, which might be because I was still partially asleep but it may have been straight from my soul.
I was talking to god and I told him that if in my entire life on this planet, if I only ever got one wish, one thing, one dream to come true, let it be her.
That if I had to, I’d give up my future as a guidance councilor, abandon my passion of writing, enter social alienation once more, just so that she could live.
The next moment death appeared to me.
It seems very cliché, I know, but it’s the truth; I saw death.
It was this big dark spirit at the foot of my bed, entering this world from some place else and I could almost see the door it followed to get here. It was staring at me and I got the very tangible feeling of a scythe in my hands.
I know the grim reaper has a scythe and harvests souls with it but I never thought of it as much more than a cartoon; now I think otherwise.
It wasn’t even a scythe I’d see used for combat with a straight pole and such; instead it was a true scythe with a gnarled staff and the handles coming off it for literal harvesting.
See, at this point I realized that it was death, and that it meant what it was; death. I was freakin’ freaked out! So I jumped up out of bed, flipped my light on, ran out of my room into my living room and grabbed one of my sticks with the brightest energy I knew of.
But right about then I realized something about the whole situation; it felt pretty odd, kind of like a test.
Walking back to my bedroom, I flicked off the security of my light and sat back down in my bed, completely resolute.
You see, I’d promised something; my life for hers and by god, I wasn’t going to choose mine now that death himself was here before me, testing my resolve to see if I’d really lay down my own for hers.
So I looked him right in the face I couldn’t see, the sense of his own weapon in my possession, and I said but a few choice words.
It’s not her time, do what you will to me but you are not to touch her; it is not her time.
And with that, I laid back down and promptly went to sleep.
The next day, I found out that LMW was awake, and I’m not making a single word of this up; it’s the honest to god truth.
Now you can think I’m insane all you want but I know what I’ve experienced and I’ll stick with my own opinions.
On Fear
What an odd title.
That’s the first thought that comes to mind as I begin to write this chapter and quite honestly, I didn’t plan it at all; it just sort of happened.
I only write what feels right and I guess that’s my fears, which I tend to keep to myself.
I’m not sure why I keep my fears to myself; I can’t even come up wit some psychological analysis on it. The best answer I can come up with is that by telling others about them, I’m admitting them and validating their reign over me, which is kind of stupid but a possibility none the less.
I’ve told you before, just how unbelievably scary it can be, when you find a note like the one SG left, but I don’t think I can really put it into words that you’ll understand.
It’s just one of those things you’d have to experience on your own, let’s hope you don’t have to.
I worry about SG a lot. He came into school not too long ago, but I know it wasn’t for any reasons save showing his presence and hoping for a reaction, but it just kind of made me really depressed.
As it turns out, he sells pot, and obviously smokes it too, which is a horrible choice on his part but at the same time, there was no other place he could go.
I’ve explained why it is, that he could go nowhere and is ultimately doomed and I guess I just find it kind of scary how I came so close to that as well; how if my defense mechanism had’ve been just a little different I’d be in the same boat as him; permanent social outcast.
That’s just one of the many fears I’m just realizing I have. Don’t get the wrong idea now, I’m not some over cautious and timid person, but I do have quite a few fears.
I actually just finished writing a novel on three fear invoking questions that shape humanity.
It was wrote around the premise that there are three questions that invoke fear in every single individual, if contemplated seriously.
I’ll be asking the questions in order from least potent to most, and though this is the first question, I advise you not to underestimate it because the moment you begin to underestimate it is the moment in which it will strike, and if it does strike out, it will strike true and it will catch you.
If it were to catch you, gripping your very being in its grasp, your time is limited, your very sanity is at risk and there will be eternal darkness until you can answer the question with a different answer.
Until you can scrape your way out of the barren pit of desolation, you will be within its grasp and damned to a period of time in which nothing remains joyful.
It is a fear that can keep us up all night long, staring over the edge of the cliff, into its boundaries.
It’s a fear that can easily show on our face and cause everyone we love pain and anguish simply by knowing that it has gripped us.
It is a fear like no other and one that can completely destroy a person’s life, whether they know it or not, because it has such a consuming power of destruction it can break all bonds and turn your life into a desolate field of waste.
So I ask you this, my dear readers, my question of humanity that invokes fear in us all, the first of the three; have you ever experienced complete hopelessness and despair?
We have all been hopeless at one point in time and we have all had moments of despair, but have any of us ever experienced a moment in which either of these were in their complete form?
When hopelessness is at its utter peak and instead of thinking there can be no better, you know there can be no better; that the world can not get better and you will never see a lighter day.
What of despair? When its blackened clutches graze your foolish soul? When you despair most and not only do you have no hope for the better, but you can no longer rouse yourself in this fight.
Hopelessness is a mindset in which we believe there can be no better, but it is not strong enough to defeat us on its own. As long as we have the strength to resist, to question it, and to fight back in an attempt to prove that there can be better, but what if something was sucking that strength away?
What if you were stuck in the midst of despair as well? True despair is a force nothing like any other on this world of ours. It stops our heart in mid beat and holds our tongue still, an icy grip on our very soul itself.
It is as though the very manifestation of evil, malice, and fear has taken hold inside of you and you can do nothing but spiral downwards into its domain of death.
It can suck the courage away from any man, draining their strength to a dull throb with no chance of escape, save for one thing and one thing alone; hope.
Hope is such a strong force of life that it can banish some of the strongest seemingly otherworldly forces such as despair, and only its light, its prospect of the better can renew our strength for us to continue this fight and escape our icy shores of death.
But what if there is no hope whatsoever and you fall deep within the boundaries of infinite hopelessness as well as complete despair?
It is a situation that we are all vulnerable to, and some of us have even fallen victim to this absolute checkmate of the soul.
It is something no one should ever take lightly because, given the chance, it can destroy us all.
There is undoubtedly a mass amount of evil in this world; that much is obvious. But whether you know it or not, evil thrives on evil. Negative energy breeds negative thoughts and feelings inside of us which in turn breeds negative energy.
Hope and resolve, when going hand in hand, can create such a strong and positive force that though it may sound like a childish fantasy, it can overcome the greatest opposition in the world.
The question I asked in the introduction was simple. Have you ever encountered infinite hopelessness and complete despair?
I explained how truly fearful this situation is, how unbelievably dangerous such a predicament can be and just how seemingly impossible it is to break free of.
A great man, one who I can agree with infinitely, may he rest in piece, believed in something called Archetypes.
He believed that we were born with these archetypes and they were seemingly humanity’s motifs.
Amongst these archetypes were things such as Mother and Father as well as Perfection and the other things we will always know without needing them explained to us.
But there is one particular one that is one of the most important to us - Hero.
Hero is a very cliché term in today’s society but it is a word that can be thrown into the trash bin alongside other words such as miracle and awesome.
We use the term awesome all the time in society, typically referring to things that we find great, enjoyable, and fun; but it’s not the true meaning of the word.
Awe is something that we rarely experience. It is something that can make you fall to your knees, eyes wide and completely paralyzed by such an extraordinary thing.
Awesome is a term referring to that which invokes awe, can you see the problem in today’s speech?
Miracle is in the same boat. It is used whenever something causes relief and some people use it in such a disrespectful manner I’m actually surprised by it.
Have you ever heard someone say the word miracle when referring to something silly or trivial?
What about something along the lines of “It’s a miracle I made it to the bathroom!” or something as simple as that?
I’ve heard it and it couldn’t be further from the true meaning of the term.
Whether or not you’re religious, it doesn’t matter for what I’m about to say, but I will be using Jesus and the bible as an example.
Jesus is said to be a man who performed miracles, and what he is said to have done is certainly miraculous.
How often in today’s society have you heard someone say something like “It was a miracle I could return that man’s sight to him by putting mud on his closed eyes!”
Probably never.
What about “It was a miracle that I came back to life after three days!”?
“It’s a miracle that I was born when my mother was a virgin!”
“It’s a miracle that I was able to turn a few loaves of bread, only enough for a few, into enough slices of bread for many hundreds of people!”
Miracle refers to something beyond reality, something unexplainable like magic; divine intervention if you will and I very much doubt anyone reading this book has knowingly encountered a true miracle, yet I’m sure everyone who will ever read this has used the term before.
Hero is also used in the wrong sense. A hero in today’s world is someone who saves something, be it a being, physical object, or whatever.
But that’s not entirely true.
A hero can save, yes, but that’s not all. A hero is a being, not just a man, who will never waver in faith and hope.
It is someone who is completely resolute and will readily and willingly without a moments hesitation do what is required of them for success. They fight readily to protect not only those precious to them, but every single thing, living or not, in the world that is the target of something bad.
They are those who could never be considered sadistic or malicious, and those who know the true meaning of the word love.
They are sincere, not arrogant or boastful, maybe not even physically strong, and above all, they are those who truly feel.
They laugh when they are happy, and they cry when they are sad; they are human.
If we were all just a little closer to being heroes, there would be no such thing as infinite hopelessness, or complete despair, for it is only in resolute hope, can these things be bested.
Thereby, they should never be feared, as long as you realize that they only have a hold over you, when you believe they do.
A great man once said that whether you believe you will succeed or whether you believe you’ll fail, you’re absolutely right.
Well that’s the first question, but it’s not so much “Have you experienced it?” it’s more like “will you?” as it’s the fear of the situation that gets us, not the question itself or your past.
Once more resolve can tie into it, as I’ve already stated. Resolve is the bane of despair and hopelessness, plain and simple.
If you’re completely resolved, you’re not hopeless, and if you’re resolved, despair has no chance to grip you.
I think that’s a problem with society, though it’s too late to throw it into the chapter on society.
I don’t mean that society is experiencing hopelessness and despair, but I was just thinking about resolve and how it gives us courage and motivation, but without that, we’re just vegetables.
I had a somewhat spiteful argument with my mother the day before last as we watched TV and she complained about commercials.
She said that watchers of television typically dislike the amount of commercials in their programming and that together they should do something against them.
I rose the point that no one would have time and she retorted with the fact that some people have no social ties or anything taking up their time, to which I replied with the fact that anyone with that much free time, probably wouldn’t start something as foolishly ambitious as that.
She resigned herself slightly from those topics but I furthered my point and urged her to start the campaign against commercials at that exact moment. My plan somewhat deteriorated as I tried to urge her but it worked none the less as she didn’t start the campaign, and that was my goal; to show her that even those who thought up the idea, such as herself, when presented with the perfect opportunity and even urged to take action, she refused.
It’s the same thing with society; we have no real motivation, no strength or resolve to really be active in what we want.
Look at the movie “Super Size Me”. It was shockingly honest about McDonalds and how unbelievably unhealthy it is, and most people agreed when they watched it.
I’ve seen the movie at least a dozen times at school and every time, countless people say out loud that it’s disgusting and unbelievable, yet they’ll continue to purchase and consume it.
Not only is it a minor addiction, we have no motivation to act on things like this. It’s almost as though the entire world has been gripped by minor despair, which is a very scary thought.
Anyways, onto the next question of those three I mentioned.
Have you ever asked yourself if what you’re doing is the right thing? If what you’re doing is for the greater good or for your good? The short term or the long term fix?
What about our futures and destinies? We’ve all contemplated them, I’m sure, but how many of us have questioned them? Have you ever wondered if the future you’ve set for yourself is the right one? If you’re even on the same path you wanted to be on while you were younger?
Most of the time we don’t even realize it when we’re worrying about the paths we’ll take in life and the type of career we’ll have one day, but we all worry about them none the less.
So here’s my question to you, not meant in any sadistic or malicious way I assure you, is the future you’ve set for yourself the right one? Is it the one you truly want, the true future you want to strive for that will make you truly happy? Or is it some sort of easy way out? Are you hiding from your future because it’s too painful or too much work? Are you ignoring the people that need you? Are you running away from your problems and looking for some way to just live life?
Though this is not the answer to the question, I just need to say that there is no way to run away and live your life when you know what could have been; you will never forget the paths you could have taken and they will torment you until you can no longer take them.
This question represents unsurity in every day life for short term and long term decisions. It itself is a test of strength, separating those who are strong and courageous enough to strive for their futures, their destinies, what they want, and those who are too weak and fearful to attempt such.
It separates the heroes from the cowards, the kings and the traitors.
After all, if you run from your own life, aren’t you a traitor to your own empire?
Greed can easily consume an individual and that much is obvious when you look around at the “prominent” figures of today. But in a much smaller quantity I’m sure we can find it in ourselves; some small ounce of greed that tries to influence what we do and make us greedy.
We have all been selfish at one point or another, compelled by greed or some silly little thing to do something that benefits us immediately, solely for that reason.
I’m sure we’ve all had moments in which we wonder if what we’re doing is greedy or the right choice; if what we’re doing helps us in the immediate or in the long term.
There was a great man, who wrote a great book about a boy and an alchemist, who said somewhere in the book, either the introduction or the synopsis that he had seen so many people in his life strive for their dreams, and come so close to reaching and fulfilling their personal legends and then make some silly little mistake or series of mistakes that they lost their dreams completely in the midst of their mistakes.
We’ve all been at points in our lives when we’ve been torn between two choices, whether or not one was a selfish choice and one was the right choice, it doesn’t matter. But during these times of trial we must remember, that we all have dreams and wishes as to what we want for ourselves, and we all have wants; this is just another part of humanity.
But it’s whether or not; the choices we make are for what we want at that moment when we decide, or what we want overall. Never forget that your greatest opposition, your most difficult challenge in achieving your dreams and your own personal legend, is merely yourself and your own imperfections.
This question isn’t as fearful on the outside, but it is more like a topic. The true fear lies in the wondering as to whether or not the future you’re striving for is one that you’re only taking because it’s an easy way out and thereby hindering your happiness.
But, as long as we remember to be strong and courageous, we can hope to choose the right paths, leading us towards where we truly want to go.
Now before I tell you about the third question, I want to mention that it is in my opinion the strongest and most fearful of all three questions. Though the first question was the most dangerous, I believe that this one is much more scary than the others/
I doubt there is a single soul in their right mind that has not wondered of or contemplated this question for it is of such a great stature that there is no definite answer.
A very great man, once said that every question possesses a power that is lost in the answer, which may explain why this is such a terrifying question that can completely consume some of us.
The question is relative, and there is no real way to answer it; it is merely a knowing, a trusting of yourself and listening to what your soul has to offer.
After all, if we do not listen to our soul, what use is it to us? And if we have no soul, what are we for surely we are no longer human and our lives are thereby wasteful.
It’s such a strong question, without answer, that it invokes countless other instances of itself in various forms and tenses, never allowing you to forget it until you’ve come up with an answer to this impossible question.
I’ve left it until last because it is by far the most powerful of the three questions and I believe it has influenced man kind the most.
It walks hand in hand with wondering if what you’re doing is the right thing and feeling completely desolate and hopeless, but it’s even greater than them both combined.
What would you do, if your entire life, everything you have ever said and done, was based solely on a lie? If your entirety, the very person you are, was molded from lies? Surely we would doubt the world around us, we would doubt ourselves! What happens when you start to doubt yourself and your origins? What happens when you realize that a dream that may have shaped who you are today, all throughout the past, was a lie? Could you ever even return to a simple state of being as you were before hand? How could you not contemplate the fact that had you known all along you would not be where you were and you would not be who you are today.
But what happens if the answer is yes? Can you even admit to yourself the true answer even if your heart knows the truth? Can you walk with your back straight and your head held high if you realize you’ve been living a lie? Can you even taste the sweet gifts of life such as love and friendship, happiness and joy? Or does the entirety of the world become a blackened battlefield and your eyes are opened for the first time to glimpse the true disfigured ugliness of the world in which no sunshine could ever fall upon?
To reiterate with an example, imagine that you are a warrior in the dark ages. You are captain of the guard and head of a noble household. Your father was a hero and he was the captain of the guard before you, it is why you have based your entire life on becoming the captain of the guard.
He was remembered in history for giving his life in the name of the king and everything the king stood for, thereby laying out the path you wanted to take in life; to follow his footsteps and rise as the captain of the guard and supporting the king.
But what if one day you find out that your father didn’t die serving the king but instead he hated the king and everything he stood for because the king was corrupt and greedy and knowing this he committed suicide on the battle field?
Now, you’ve spent all your life pursuing a dream that you realize was based on a lie. You are now captain of the guard of a nation you loathe, what do you do?
Pretty scary, huh?
The question is relative so you can’t just answer that last example and say you’re set for life. You need to think about your life, where you are and what you’ve done, and finally ask yourself if you’ve based your life on a lie.
It’s such a sickening question and predicament that more often than naught, some of the world’s greatest individuals, as you may very well be, are lost simply because they cannot conceive any exit from their predicament.
But I assure you, there is nothing more sacred and worth protecting than your life and your humanity, do not allow lies to tarnish your being because they cling to you like tar, regardless if they’re so called “white lies” they will stick to you and you will never be able to escape them.
But if you were not the one to spin this wretched predicament, if you were not the one that lied but instead the one that was lied to, there is a way to remove this sickening tar and it is simple.
You must end your life without dying.
If your life is based on a lie, what good is it? If it was based on a lie it is a lie itself, and if you are living it what good are you? You are merely a lie and there is nothing worse in our life than being a lie itself.
I have a few questions I need to ask you, but do not worry, they are not scary and will not invoke fear deep within your being, they are much more simple and have definite answers.
Firstly, what is more important that your well being and humanity? What is more important that your life?
Nothing is more important that your humanity and never forget that!
That is why a business meeting or project is in no way grounds for backing our of rectifying your situation.
A great man once said there is no better time to face your personal challenges than when there is simply no time to do so and he was completely right for a very simple reason.
They are not important enough to stop you from achieving this; do not allow them.
If you get fired, so what? At least you’ll be happy and be able to start anew, this time without living a lie.
If someone is angry at you for not having time to make them dinner one night, who cares? It’s your life on the line! What’s more important; someone being fed for a night, or your very life?
Though, do not merely ignore all social ties, because they themselves act as mirrors and show us our own humanity, explain to your boss that you are in a horrible predicament and need to restart your life. Tell whoever wants you to make dinner that you can’t because you’re in the middle of a crisis and that they need to make dinner.
The world is not always as evil as it appears and you’d be surprised how often you may find a glimpse of beauty when you admit your pain and anguish; the world will make time for you to restart your life.
How you will restart your life is up to you but the very first step is always beginning.
After that comes the part where you must truly discover the lie and find out the truth, who you are, where you want to be, and what you will strive for.
Always strive, always have a goal, it makes us move forwards.
To strive for your goals is to be human, never forget it.
To tell you the truth, those questions don’t really scare me much – at least not in my conscious mind, I have much more pressing fears.
For instance, I just got my first official job recently and there are a few forms I received, some of which I’m completely lost with and they seem oddly important so I’m kind of afraid of messing something up.
Besides that, I’m also graduating soon so I’m very unsure about going to university and living in residence there; it’ll be a new experience but there’s always that fear at the beginning of new experiences.
My parents are moving to the other side of the country in about two weeks and I won’t be going with them. It’ll be a rude awakening and the first time I’ll be unable to reach them, so that’s kind of scary.
But there are all kinds of little other fears I’ve got too.
AQ, JBS’ best friend, is becoming more and more of a friend to me and that’s a little scary because I may see JBS herself which I don’t know I’m ready for.
I just got over a fear of mine that I kept pretty quiet, save for earlier in this book. I was very afraid that something might happen to LMW during her surgery and recovery but it just kept getting worse as the days went by because I was originally told that she would be heavily sedated for three days and it was a grand total of twelve before I heard that she was awake.
Needless to say; she’s fine and recovering steadily like the fighter she is, but I’m still worrying about her, who wouldn’t?
I think that these fears I’ve mentioned after the questions can be summed up in a very general form.
The first, second, and third can be summed up as fears of the unknown, which is very common in society; fearing that which we don’t know; also known as unsurity.
The fear with JBS can be easily labeled as a fear of confrontation, which is also pretty common throughout the world; people becoming introverts because they’re afraid of confrontation and the like.
This may seem rather random but I’m going to just stop right now for the night; an abrupt end to this chapter so I have some time to think up the climax, which has changed drastically since the beginning of this novel.
So, anyways, good night, have fun, talk to you later.
In The End
So, I’ve touched basis on so many things already; from philosophy to disorders and societies flaws to love and loss, but have I really had much of a point?
I’ve concluded quite a few thoughts and tied a bunch of ideas together but I’ve never really set out a direct theme or idea for all of these points to merge and run to completion.
But there’s a simple reason for that; there is none.
What a wonderful writer I am! But the thing is, I couldn’t care less for structure or when I’m supposed to use a semi colon or some literary device like juxtaposition.
What matters is what I feel; who I am; what’s important to me; my own world – not the structure of this novel.
I’ve cried while writing, been horribly pained, laughed my butt of and smiled gleefully; it’s truly been a release for me during this entire month without my lily but that’s not all.
See, there are things that just needed to be released and this was the perfect medium for that. For instance, I’ve never told a soul the whole story with Mrs. M in that office, and I’ve never really admitted my guilt with N, but they all weighed heavy on my soul and I needed them gone in order to be strong for LMW.
And for that, I’d like to thank you, my dear silent and understanding readers who have kept with me this far, and if you haven’t, you didn’t get to read this sentence meaning it doesn’t apply to you ;) (That’s like writing down “Stop reading what I’m writing” as it only applies to those reading and can only tell people reading it to stop reading it!)
So now, with the madness in the end, I’d like to give a few shout outs and relate a few more stories about them all.
Everyone who has ever encountered me before I began writing this; it’s time to get rosy cheeked!!
So, let’s start off with KD!
He’s my best pal, my best friend, and by god a much greater friend than J, even though that’s kind of mean to say it’s the truth. We met last year in healthy living class, which was just great fun!
Most of the classes were in the gym and we did quite a few bowling classes at a nice little place called plaza bowl.
JM had a gym or healthy living class at the same time but he wasn’t in ours and the only real time we saw him during that class was when we went bowling, in which case we’d all make one group and laugh our butts off at each other; including me falling down when I was about to roll the ball!
KD was voted the most introverted during our student’s choice awards and as a prize he got a pair of unbelievably over-sized glasses, which are pretty extroverted (I guess that’s the point, eh?)
But it’s completely true too; he’s an introvert plain and simple. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy in the least, he’s great, funny, horribly smart, and just plain fun to hang around with.
Not only that, he’s a pacifist and incredibly resolute on protecting his family which is such a great quality; I guess that’s why CB is going out with him.
The thing is, with KD, he’s an introvert and trust me when I tell you this; introverts and socially alienated individuals cannot express themselves to others and half the time we can’t even speak for crying out loud!
That’s why it’s nothing out of the ordinary when he doesn’t say much, but the trick with him is guessing his feelings and stances towards others, which I compliment myself in the belief that I’m quite good at that!
Just yesterday I urged him to tell CB that he was there for her, and I knew he felt that way but was just unable to speak up for himself.
It’s a real shame – it really is.
Imagine what the world would be like if no one was afraid to say what they wanted to – if no one was unable to talk because of introversion or social alienation.
Sure you’d get some pretty blunt and insulting things, but really who could blame someone for telling you their honest and genuine opinion. If they feel you cheated them, and you’re offended when they told you as much, getting angry at them, then I’d really start to disrespect you for getting angry at someone and thereby implying you’d rather they were too afraid to talk to you or speak up for themselves.
The funny thing is, CB, is kind of the same way.
And here’s a story about CB!
I met her about thirty days ago, at the first meeting for the 2008 NaNoWriMo challenge in Newfoundland, which is just a challenge for writing a fifty thousand word novel in thirty days(I already won and this is my second novel this month, the first being finished in nine days!)
She was really outgoing and talkative, a great person and fun to talk to, but there was an underlying fear and unsurity I could pick up on.
She didn’t have a boyfriend and when I talked to her about that, she said he school just wasn’t too great for guys.
You see, that was my signal flair of sorts and the red flags came out. I knew this was just an excuse, subconscious or not, and I acted on it.
After a bit of prodding I concluding (to her of course), that I believed she was completely shy, and though she argued at first she soon lost the will to argue and relented, thereby agreeing that she was too shy to go out with someone.
See, KD didn’t have a girlfriend either and after all he was the most introverted (at least voted so) in my school.
So, I introduced them to each other and told them both that whether they liked it or not I was going to force them to go out on a date, which I titled “The first forced meeting of mutual malcontent!” which always makes me laugh!
The thing was, I didn’t expect them to hit it off at all; she seemed terribly smart to me and he was into all kinds of anime and games like that, which I thought she didn’t like.
Turned out I was wrong and she was more or less into the exact same things as him, which was just great for them and the so called “mutual malcontent” just seemed to evaporate – much to my dismay.
*Side note* I’m not sadistic, but it’s just kind of fun when you know it’ll help them in the long run.
So where was I?
Oh right; they hit it off! And though they’re both really shy and introverted, it’s terribly cute to see them together, hugging and such.
It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
Yay!
(Makes me feel a little lonely too but I’m not going to dote on that.)
But alas, out of the blue tragedy struck and CB’s aunt(?) died not too long into their relationship. CB was horribly heart broken and went to a different town for about a week for the funeral and such.
She’s back now and KD has been talking to her, I assume, but CB is just so… miserable.
She’s just been so lonely, depressed, heart broken, and sad that she’s getting sick, not up to doing anything, and doesn’t have the inspiration to finish the NaNoWriMo challenge when she only has about five thousand words left!
Obviously KD would’ve noticed this and felt bad but been unable to comfort her so I urged him and urged him and talked to her and eventually, everything seemed to click so I ran away from the computer.
Just now, I messaged her online and asked if she was alright and guess what!
She’s doing wonderful, she’s excited and happy, and even writing to her novel for the challenge!
The world gets brighter every day, doesn’t it?
I don’t know what I’m feeling to be honest but it’s nothing negative in the least.
I thought of CB and KD and about their lives and worlds, then I thought of N and J, and for once I didn’t get angry when I thought of J. Instead I felt kind of sorry for him but not for long, for some reason, I’m not feeling down in the least.
This’ll sound random but bear with me: it’s raining insanely hard outside. It’s just “raining cats and dogs” or “pissing buckets” out right now, there’s four foot tall sprouts of water on the highways and a few of them are completely submerged.
Pretty crazy huh?
Normally people would be cautious, wary, and somewhat nervous about it but it just makes me stronger, more resolved, and completely content!
Brace yourself, I’m about to prove my madness.
See, I’m Sam, or Majoron as I said I’d refer to myself earlier, and though that’s kind of freaking obvious, it’s not in the least.
I am me now. Not just Sam or Majoron, I’m me. I guess I should say that I haven’t been me, or in other words, I haven’t been myself for awhile now but by god I am so freaking me right now this would be my “zone”, however lame that sounds.
See, I told you I was the fun guy, the class A hero, the one who was always bright happy never depressed and by god the most positive individual you’ve ever encountered.
It may be a bit exaggerated but it wasn’t true this last month – at least until now.
I’m not going to let a simple thing like the impossible get in the way of me completing this novel or being who I am, though you should know I’m not just writing this novel for the challenge and not just going for the fifty thousand count, I’m going for the novel and that’s that!
So I guess since I’m feeling so terrific I should start a new chapter, but before that I have to talk about something.
Feeling terrific is a good thing, right?
It means I’m feeling great but thing about the word for a second.
Very similar to terror and terrible, which both have that negative sense in it and the word actually is supposed to mean whatever I’m talking about is terrible; language is stupid.
So, right, next chapter and certainly a fun one at that!
On Myself
Yes, Madness on myself!
After all, I said I was a madman, and this was my mad diary so I guess I’ve got to follow up on that, don’t you agree?
This is going to be random, as everything in the entirety of this novel has been, but who freaking cares at this point?
I mean come on, if you’ve stuck with the novel this far, you’re not going to stop reading because it’s another random part.
By god, never mind!
I’ve just thought of something incredible and to be honest it’s been about thirty minutes since I started this chapter and I’ve forgotten what random thing I was talking about.
But now I’ve just realized something and it’s truly spectacular.
You remember earlier when I mentioned John Lennon and all sorts of historical figured being murdered and made the joke that people like Edgar Cayce and Nostradamus were keeping tabs on the ducks.
Well Lennon was apparently murdered because he knew where the ducks went and I’ve just realized something; however oddly cliché the idea behind it may be…
I’ve realized where the ducks go, but I’m not going to tell you, at least not yet.
Yes, I know, I’m being mean but how else can I get you to read these next six thousand words?
By waving an unimaginably valuable piece of information in your face and promising it as a reward; that’s just like the positive reinforcement schedule in psychology; supplying a positive in response to behaviour.
Now be a good little reader and read, will you?
I don’t mean to sound egotistically condescending but I’m just having fun and fun is, after all, something good.
If fun is something good then can you really blame me for having it because then you’d be blaming me for having good in my life.
Those are little verbal puzzles and checkmates I like to play with people.
But right now, I’m going to tell you a story, about one of the worst teachers I’ve ever encountered; Mr. B. It’ll show you just how big my contempt for pseudo superiority is and how seemingly self righteous I can be by not backing down from a simple tyrant.
Without further adieu, I give you the tale of my encounter with pure evil:
Oh, right, before I begin I’ve got to let you know that this bit is going to sound very egotistic but that’s all part of the mindset I had when I encountered this situation last year.
It was a bad day. It was a good day. It was a good day because it was a bad day. English class, a quite fun class, easy of course, had just ended and I made my way towards Career Development. I fathomed the idea of having to sit through another boring contradictory lecture by Mr. B. The hallways, logically large enough to hold around 20 students, held somewhere near 50. Once more, as I tried to walk through those ferociously small corridors there were those slowpokes and doddlers blocking my path. I had to go halfway across the school, quite literally, to reach said destination and I had three people stopped directly in front of me. After a gruelingly slow venture partway through the hall I finally managed to shove through the group, but to my dismay I had now found myself behind two much slower students with no possible way to pass.
Once I had made it to the classroom I was appalled to find I was not late and most of the class was still behind me. The teacher, Mr. B, had told us on our first day to keep our binders in a shelving unit to one side of the classroom. As I approached it through the narrow ally of desks, I noted that my path behind me had closed in with other students, preventing escape. Once I reached the bookshelf I noticed that once again my binder and textbook were not there so I wearily traveled back to my desk and sat awaiting the lecture.
He arrived, dangling chin-skin and all. After a rather uninteresting ten minutes of nothing he finally decided he had to teach as though just remembering he was the teacher. He began preaching his beliefs mixed with small amounts of curriculum to the class in front of him, unaware of every student there. Shortly through the lecture I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see straight A student MB. He pointed to the ground and I followed his gaze. On the ground around my schoolbag was, to my dismay, in a puddle of, I guess from the smell, grape juice.
Normally a student would have blushed red and been embarrassed by the incident and quickly leave the class to find the appropriate tools to clean it up, I on the other hand was curious. I had not had grape juice, I brought water bottles to school and it was passed lunch already. I quickly searched the insides of all the pockets of my bag and to my astonishment, nothing was wet. I quickly researched the pockets, and then repeated the process until I was sure there was nothing wet. Fearing that something would soak through, I stuffed all of my books into my large binder which was luckily nearly empty that day.
Resigned, I slumped back in my chair and looked up at my teacher. He either hadn't noticed or didn't care. I suspect the latter. I sat for a very short while sensing the growing need to get something to clean up but not wanting to evoke the apparent anger and sadistic intent that was held inside this teacher. I shakily raised my hand, looking expectantly at the teacher standing before his mock podium. Now I remember this clearly. He was standing almost exactly in front of my desk with his preaching. He was starring at the book as he spoke but from the angle of his eyes, I knew that he could see me. Thus, once again I was ignored by that teacher. In a few seconds after I raised my hand, MB raised his. Instantly, mid sentence, the teacher stopped his preaching and turned to him. What respect they must hold for him!
"Yes?" he asked politely as though he was sucking up to him. Sucking up to a student! How bad could it get?
"There's a, uh, spill…" he pointed down "…all over the ground around here." From here I continued, realizing I wasn't going to speak otherwise.
"It looks like a juice box broke but nothing of mine is wet and I didn't have one." I noticed my voice overly confident as though issuing a challenge. I've always had a problem with authority and previously had an unquenchable rage. Fits of screaming when I was angered. Furious, maddened, I disregarded all rules and regulations to exert my anger.
"Move your bag then." the teacher answered sternly. That was it, challenge accepted, we were going to go downhill from here.
"As you can see-" I lifted the bag. "-it appears to be coming from the bag but I drink water. May I go and get something to clean it up?" My eyes must have dripped with venom. I didn't wait for the answer to my question and slid my leg out from the desk. Since the desk was so small a foot couldn't go that far out before the person stood up. This being so my foot landed in a small trail of juice, I knew this was to happen but didn't mind. I had shoes on, didn't I?
"Don't put your feet in it!" he barked. Slowly I stood up paying him no attention and lifted my schoolbag knowing that I'd have to take it with me.
"Now where else was I supposed to put my foot?" I asked, the calmness of my voice more potent than an insult.
"Not in the wet." he retorted as I was striding across the class towards the exit.
"My leg can't bend like that Sir, think." I stepped out of the door thinking that last word was border lining insult... I knew how bad it would be if I actually were to let my anger out. I was part way to the stairs when I heard him behind me.
"What did you say to me?" he asked with pseudo calmness.
"I said my leg can't bend like that Sir."
"Of course it is! Don't talk back to me, when you're done that you can take a seat in the office." he growled and turned to walk back. I realized then that I had left my book on my desk and didn't dare leave it in there.
"Then can you do me a favor and get my book?" I asked.
"Get your own damn book!" he practically shouted. With a furious grin on my face I walked back into the classroom, I had known he wouldn't get it but just knowing that those words would reach the class and place me high above him in ranks comforted me. I quickly grabbed the book and walked out with my head held high. I stopped in the bathroom and cleaned off my bag before going outside to the bus to read my book for the period. I doubted his ability to use the intercom to tell the office I was on my way.
Tada!
And thus, you can see my arrogance, which I like to have fun with. Yes, it was pretty foolish the entire thing and could have easily been avoided but I’m a mad man after all, aren’t I?
Now let me explain something; I don’t hate that teacher; Mr. B.
If anything I respect him and I think we were somewhat friends or at least positive acquaintances.
Doesn’t seem like that from the story now does it?
Well you see, he wasn’t the kind of person to kindly debate his responses and think of what positions others were in. That being so his only real means of communication were that of insults, blunt statements, preaching (as it means he’s got something that you could benefit from, thereby raising him above you), and telling stories of the flaws of others.
See, I was prominent in his life as a teacher as not only did I stand up for myself, I didn’t do it like others who would talk back to him because they were insecure and couldn’t even look at him when they were alone with him. Though I’m not blaming them and I don’t mean anything derogatory about it, it’s just a simple fact; I wasn’t like them.
The best part was that I was usually always right, which I completely love and the truth is if I hadn’t’ve been so extrovertedly egotistic and stalwart I would have failed the class.
Anyways, back to my point, though there wasn’t much communication or any real reason as to why we should be friends or good acquaintances, we had a bond and a relation, even if the medium was arguing and derogation.
I probably sound crazy but I am and that’s why I can say that we were friends because we hated each other and I’m sure that he’ll remember that one self righteous bigot of a student he had during his final year as a teacher.
That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Man, this is such a funny chapter for me!
So, anyways, next story to tell you about myself and then I’ll probably tell you about a feathered bird that holds a key to the universe.
There was a time, way back when I had just graduated from my elementary school and after the summer I’d be going to junior high.
Around then I had one day walked to my elementary school as we lived on the other side of a park from it, and I’d noticed the vandalism all around from spray paint to broken windows.
See, I’m not one to not act when I can, regardless what it’s about.
So, this is when I took a broom without the top, and two devil sticks which I’d attached with a rope to make them look like nun-chucks, and went to the school every day.
I’d just walk around a bit, go on the swings, slide down the slides and play around a bit; I was only 12.
But that’s not all, I also had brought the nun-chucks and the “staff” with the idea that they were my weapons and I was a hero, here to protect something beautiful.
I truly thought I was protecting beautiful things from tarnish and in this specific situation I was trying to stop the “bad guys” from vandalizing the school.
At one point I went on my computer and made up this form to join a group of mine called the sacred defenders or sacred protectors – something like that and printed off like twenty copies.
I was seriously going to post them all around, in malls and convenience stores and such and I thought eventually I’d have this great big group of people and we’d go out and stop vandalism, but eventually that just faded into the dust because I couldn’t exactly commit to anything.
But though that is a good example there’s more of them to tell.
There’s one song, by eminem, and though I really don’t like him, I like the song. It’s called encore I believe and the video is animated with the character that’s supposed to be him walking down a street donning a black robe and a large pile of people joining him as they march to the polls to vote for an elderly woman.
It’s a good message, but when I watched it, my throat got horribly dry, I became terribly silent, and my chest was burning in passion because of the raw truth in this message being spelled out by this rapper.
There are all kinds of songs like that, from Encore by Eminem to One by Metallica, Dear Mister President by pink to Big Yellow Taxi by a lot of people.
They’re all so incredibly honest in their messages that they just tend to stop me dead in my tracks and get me so caught up in the moment that they ignite this fiery passion in me that drives me towards truth and resolve.
Another great song is “It’s not my Time” by Three Doors Down, and I hope you recognize that title from my chapter about resolve.
From all of that I bet you can guess now that I’m pretty emotional and sincere, I really feel things and even if you can’t, I’m telling you right now that’s how it is.
If you don’t believe me, so what; it’s a diary!
But I guess that’s why I like to watch anime. But I should say that I just don’t watch anime because it’s anime, I only watched subtitled anime because when they’re translated the translators try to match the lips with the words and usually they end up changing what characters say.
I remember one time I watched one singular episode of an anime that was dubbed in English and they had changed what one character said and actually changed his entire reason for even living. And by doing so, they altered the entire storyline of the show!
Anyways, in their original language, even if they are for children, they contain raw motifs and themes, morals that we pass down to our children because they are important, whether we remember that that’s the reason or not.
They’re true, and honest, emotionally provocative and genuine; they’re great.
So, that’s a bit about me, now what’s next?
The ducks? You want me to tell you where the ducks go?
Well I don’t think I’ll do that right yet and yes I know I’m being mean again but so long as I keep that as a promised reward I can tempt you quite a lot!
Anyways, it shouldn’t be much longer and this time I’m serious; just one or two more stories and my final feathery duck-filled conclusion.
Oh, hey, look it’s a novel.
To tell you the truth, it’s been awhile since I wrote last and this is going to be my last chance to finish this novel.
Now, what am I going to talk about?
I’ll just give a brief and detailed summary about myself before I truly let you know just where the hell those ducks go
So, I’ve told you a lot about myself already; that I’m very loyal to the people I hold close to myself, I’m sincere, fun loving, spiritual, optimistic, and besides all that I know where the ducks go when Lennon died for it.
Well that sums me up quite well but there are a few more things about me I think that I should just throw out there.
My mother says that I don’t like to be wrong and that’s probably true - but it’s more than that. Part of me is very strong willed and I guess that’s why I’m very resolute in the things I do and pretty stern most of the time.
I’ll give you an example.
I joined the improv team this year – that’s an acting group based on improvising scenes.
Pretty extroverted, huh?
Well that’s not all; I also took Theatre Arts as my art credit this year. So that probably makes me seem like an extroverted theater nut, but it’s not true.
Thing is, and I’m sure you already know this, but I’m pretty introverted and I know as much, but I don’t like that part of me.
I want to be one of those people who can just walk up to someone they’ve never spoken to before and just strike up a conversation, which means that I’ve got to become more extroverted.
That’s why I joined the most extroverted class I could in school and it’s one of the reasons why I joined such an extroverted club.
So if you’re wondering what the heck this has to do with anything, don’t feel too bad when you realize how simple the answer is.
I just tend to put myself into situations I won’t back out of. The first step is usually the hardest and I hate giving up so when I just jump into things, it’s because when I do I wont give up and I’ll follow through with it – thereby removing any hesitation and stopping any feelings of nervousness from affecting me.
This is starting to sound horribly redundant so I’ll cut to the chase.
You want to know where the ducks went?
Fine I’ll tell you but first I’ve got to set an introduction to this topic by telling you about the book by J. D. Salinger and the man who was killed for knowing the answer to the question that no one can answer.
Catcher in the
He wonders how they can survive; whether they fly south for winter or if someone in a van comes and picks them up and at one point in the story a rather easily frustrated cab driver tells him that they just stay where they are and get frozen in place all winter like the fish.
The question itself is an allegory - that is, something that has a basic and literal level such as this with the ducks actually going somewhere, and also possessing a deeper metaphoric level.
So what exactly is the deeper and metaphoric level to this question? Well we’ll get to it in just a second, first I need to talk about John Lennon.
Yes, that’s right, John Lennon and even though he’s been present at many points throughout this novel, I still need to bring him up again (Once more finding it kind of odd how such an odd guy is in this novel.) but it’s relevant regardless.
One day, John Lennon was in a hotel room, laying in bed beside his wife and his number one fan (quite literally) showed up, armed and everything.
Now, number one fan normally doesn’t mean that they want to kill the person they idolize but in this case it did.
The murderer was also carrying “Catcher in the
The reason he later supplied was that the book made him do it – at least that’s what some people say.
The thing is, he also said that he killed John Lennon because Lennon knew where the ducks went, thereby referring to the ducks in the novel.
The majority of the populous just took this as proof that the man was completely insane but really, who can tell these days?
After all, the majority technically is society and society as I’ve stated is pretty freaking messed up.
So, where, you ask, do these feathered friends of ours go when it’s too cold for them to get food or survive?
Well, where would you go if you didn’t want to stay around for the winter?
Before I continue with that thought I just want to ask another question to set a point out for an answer.
In my personal opinion, which I believe to be the complete truth in this case, is that philosophy is just redundant and all it shows is the limits of communication. But more specifically, it’s trying to grasp the infinite with the finite; trying to understand more than our little minds can ever hope to understand.
In the bible, it says that merely completely understanding a grain of sand would lead you to die in wonder of the rest of the world.
Pretty deep but it doesn’t matter if you believe that or not, it’s just a point.
So anyways, I’ll explain that a bit more with a more detailed example; firstly, what is the infinite?
I don’t want some silly philosophical answer like “even a word cannot sum up infinity as words are still finite” or anything like that.
Simply said, the infinite, is the limitless, and the best way to conceive that is with a physical object; in this case we’ll use sugar.
Imagine an infinite amount of sugar. What does that mean?
It’s got three dimensions determining its mass so they’re all infinite, a number divided by zero.
But something can still be infinite if only one of the three dimensions is infinite. As infinite has no limits one infinite can make up for the absence of another.
So, what we’ve got is a whole pile of sugar. Imagine it in your mind as a rectangle with a very solid and finite height and width. The only other variable is the length and that is infinite, right?
Sure.
So, we’ll call that the thoughts; the infinite we’re trying to grasp.
Now imagine a shovel or one of those mini shovels for sugar, like the ones on the Maximum Raisin cereal box.
It’s not infinite or special, just a regular tool, but how is it supposed to pick up all of that sugar?
It can’t, and the reason is simple; it’s not infinite.
The only way a shovel like that can pick up a mass amount of sugar like the one we’ve described is if it too had a set height and width but an infinite depth.
I just wanted to explain that there are things we will never ever know or be able to understand in our lives, no matter how amazing some people like Edgar Cayce or Nostradamus are.
Anyways, back to the winter; where would you go?
You’d go south; to
Let’s back that up a second, you’re going to
Probably not, and what does that mean when you’re traveling towards
I don’t mean a literal direction; it’s much more simple than that.
If someone was blindfolded which direction would you tell them to go if what they wanted was right in front of them?
Well it’s the same for the ducks; the answer is an allegory, as is the question.
The ducks go south, or they go into a van – it doesn’t matter, even if they do get frozen where they are the point is they’re going forwards.
If they’re going south, they’re flying forwards. I don’t think ducks fly backwards to go south.
If they’re going into a van, they walk forwards into a cage, even if they’re herded and caught by city workers.
And if they’re frozen where they are, well they accept that and stay in the water, going forwards into their decision and future.
That’s what society needs to do, and that’s what John Lennon’s long lost campaign would have been about; going forwards.
But it’s not just about moving.
Think about it in terms of what the words truly mean, and by that I’m telling you to look at the ramifications of the word, including the opposite meaning.
Going forwards means you’re not going backwards, you’re not reverting into the worse. But at the same time it also means you’re not doing nothing; you’re doing something.
Mother Theresa has a famous quote that goes like this; “Do something.”
It’s very simple, and it sums everything up.
The point isn’t just to literally move either, it’s a metaphor for being active, for being progressive, for accepting and realizing your flaws and striving with resolve to go get um.
For those of you who haven’t been faced with Social Alienation and never will, find someone who has and interact with them, destroy it completely.
For those of you who live a lie, start spelling the truth; quit your job and move to a completely new city if you have to!
And if you’re faced with an ominous disaster; a hurricane before your loved ones – by god let loose your soul and command it to stop.
The point isn’t what you do or whether or not you can do, it’s what you’re trying to do.
How thick will a piece of paper be if you fold it one hundred times?
Just imagine in your head.
The truth is, if you folded a piece of paper in half one hundred times, it would be about eight times the distance between the earth and the sun.
It’s unbelievable and goes against common sense and intuition, as though it’s border lining the infinite.
If every single individual was more proactive, progressive, and by god resolute in making themselves and thereby society better, we ourselves would be the infinite.
Can you imagine the amount of people in the world?
It’s just like the paper; you can’t.
Sure you can spit a number at me but what good is that? It’s just a number and it means nothing, like all of math.
Carl Jung a famous psychologist did horrible in math because he couldn’t grasp the fact that numbers which represented quantities of objects no longer had a physical object as it’s counterpart. Numbers need a physical otherwise they’re nothing; it’s like making a three dimensional object into two dimensions. Its mass would be height times width times length but if length for example is zero now that it’s two dimensional, the object has no mass because something multiplied by zero equals zero.
So, I ask you again; how many people are in the world?
I don’t care about the number. Imagine the quantity instead of speaking it. Can you even visualize billions of people?
Probably not but even if you can’t, visualize as many as you can and now imagine them all as proactive and progressive individuals, all striving for the better with resolve.
Nothing could stand in their way; no one no thing, not even fate itself could quell this force of positive energy and it would be the greatest motion the earth has ever and will ever see.
Lennon knew this, he knew that together, hand in hand the entire world could band together and reach the stars if we had to pull down the sky and put out the moon to do it.
Now, imagine that individual interacting with a socially alienated person.
Don’t forget the one who quit their job and moved away just to stop living a lie.
And lastly, picture that one fellow who’s trying to stop a deadly hurricane from hurting their loved ones just with their voice and resolve alone.
Now, instead of just them, imagine countless others; infinite quantities; the infinite depth!
Could a mere hurricane stop them?
Could infinite hopelessness and complete despair even have a chance to exist in that kind of world?
Would darkness lurk or evil breed when the entire world and every single consciousness and soul recognizes it and casts it outwards with such raw passionate and emotional forces that not even the natural forces of the world could resist?
Gandhi knew this too; they all did.
Gandhi knew just how powerful resolve was and that’s why he was able to sit back and solve a long history of war and trouble between two groups just by refusing to eat!
Martin Luther King Jr. Knew this and he cried out in the midst of crowds to every individual of freedom, of peace, and of equality because he knew that we were all equal and we all held such an unimaginable and infinite untapped power within ourselves that we could shake the skies!
All those emotional songs I spelled out for you weren’t even close to this; they were about recognizing the problem but doing nothing to fix it.
They were just about seeing it, about recognizing it and the thought of doing something about it but imagine what the feeling would be if the entire world did strive for this and start moving like I do when I jump into something so that I can’t turn back from.
Imagine if we pushed this snowball just over the edge so that it would roll down that hill and grow into something unstoppable.
People cry over the recognizing of trouble, but can you imagine the truly awesome and miraculous world in which we actually strive to correct and avoid these pains?!
By god, I don’t care how cliché or frivolous and superficial the idea of holding hands with everyone in the world to sing songs and be happy is! I don’t care how simple the answer is; I’ve figured out where the hell those ducks go and by doing so, by going back to the simplest roots of nature I’ve determined where the hell our destination lies.
So, to the entire world out there; I’ve figured out the unanswerable question and if you want to kill me like Lennon, go right ahead because I’ve just done what he couldn’t; I’ve started the campaign.
The di has been cast and to you, ignorance, I ask this; just how finite are your days, because ours have just crossed that border from finite to the infinite so long as we band together progressively and know where we’re going.
I can see a world every night in those fleeting moments of consciousness before I fall asleep in which the world is not ugly.
I can see it in the moments of twilight, the instant when the sun disappears from view; the only proof that it still exists – the reflected light from the moon.
The rising of that very same ball of fire, sudden and miraculous, energetically showing us that it had not deserted us or given up on us!
I can see it in the instant when an individual falls in love, that moment that no one can ever pinpoint.
In the depth of a child’s eyes; that innocence long lost in our so called maturity.
I can see it on the horizon, so distant and never obtainable; always showing us there’s more to strive for.
I can feel it in the earth, the strong and stalwart, the steadfast earth, that by such a resolute spirit, has never left us in all the millions of ages of its life.
I can hear it in the wind, the ticklish tricksters telling stories of old and hearing new ones every day.
I can see it in my own reflection, every day when I wake up and every evening when I go to sleep; that face that bears no indication of my soul save that eternal never ending and infinite smile.
But most of all, and this is the important one; I can see it in you.
I can see it every single individual, whether they choose to accept it or not. I can see the possibility, the chance of redemption and the potential of resolve in your eyes, your spirit, your soul, your very essence.
There is power in words, Lennon was a singer, Martin Luther King Jr. was a speaker, and me - I’m a writer.
I just hope that there’s enough power in these words to reach your souls, to reach the essence of humanity world wide and reveal to all of us just how ugly we’ve let our paradise become; where our own defense mechanisms and our own ranks and selves – society – kill us off!
But there’s something else, though there is power in words, there isn’t enough.
I’ve told you that resolve is one of the most powerful forces in this world and that words themselves hold an unbelievable power when paired with resolve but by itself it’s not enough.
I can’t just say “It’s not your time.” when I’m talking to society and ensure that the future will be bright; it’s not the simple.
It needs more energy, more power, more resolve and strength than one lone man can give.
It needs you.
Together, arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, we all need to cry out loud, even if we’re not physically together or literally speaking.
We still need to get together and raise our voices as one, screaming to the heavens above that we are not going to accept this future for ourselves.
That we will not accept pain and hurt in our world; social alienation, hopelessness, despair and all of the others will have no control or power in our new world and even lies will fall before us.
No individual should be brought up in a world where they can base their lives on a lie unknowingly or where they can fall victim to exclusion from the rest of the world and in turn be murdered by their own minds trying to protect themselves!
No one should be murdered for trying to start a progressive campaign to help us all!
No one should be killed because they believe in equality or because they brought two warring parties together!
No one should ever lose their lives because they realize the true evil of the world and feel the only way to help it at all is to throw away their lives and take others with them.
Can you imagine growing up with the sole wish of being a suicide bomber to bring honor to your family and protect your people?!
What kind of a bullshit world are we living in?!
If you don’t think that’s horrible, you’re part of the problem!
When children have such a dream, something is fucked up and when the people who realize this and try to fix it are horribly murdered, we can safely assume that the entire world is slowly destroying itself, one individual at a time.
But there is hope!
Remember our feathered friends!
There is a ray of light, a single shining beacon of hope amidst this chaos; and that is the message I’m spelling right now.
It’s the reflection you see in the mirror, the choices before you and the words I’m speaking.
It’s in the sun, it’s in love, it’s in children and their innocence but most of all – it’s in resolve.
Our actions dictate our choices and thereby determine our futures.
Our actions are determined by our resolve, and once more we find something affected by this incredibly powerful force.
So never forget that shining light that beseeched you for the better; never let the flame go out or you’ll freeze to death in the darkness!
Spread the flames, to everyone, to each and everyone person you encounter; to the socially alienated, and the ones living lies, to the timid and the fearful and most of all, spread the message to yourselves and your souls because there is never a limit to the good you can do in this world.
It’s like trying to run to the horizon.
Maybe that’s what you should do, just set off one day, and walk straight to the horizon until you reach it; you’ll never know just when you find it or just what you’ll encounter on your journey but one thing is for sure; you’ll be moving forwards.
So, my dear readers, this is where I leave you after revealing to you one of the most valuable treasures we can possess; the knowledge for the better.
Keep it close, never let go, and make sure to spread the wealth – you’ll find the world a brighter place right away.
And my final parting words, will be a frivolous explanation in comparison to that which I’ve just laid down on you. I’ll tell you why I call myself a madman.
There’s the simple meaning of the term, yes. I’m a madman in the sense that I’m insane and that merely means that I’m an individual; I’m unique and I need to be in order to recognize the flaws in the world and do something about it.
But do you understand that if over fifty percent of the world was diseased, or mentally ill, then that would be the norm?
Who can say that the norm is ever a good thing?
But that’s not the only thing, and the though that is the deep meaning in this allegory, it’s not the important one.
Break the word in two, just like we did with terrific to show that it truly meant something bad and you’ll find another of my quirks with this novel.
The world has been made a desolate wasteland when it was once a beautiful utopia and no one seems to care – this really pisses me off.
I am a mad man, and this is my diary.
Good day.
