SacredOrderOfTheMagi

 

            And guess what.

            He’s alive to this day, which makes me smile even now

            This may sound off track and it probably is but he broke my front tooth.

            I told you I know how to fight, and I’ve trained with a Bo staff, right?

            Well I’ve trained with a lot more than that, pole arms, Bokens (wooden swords) and fist fighting.

            And so I held a tournament at one point in time to raise money as I needed to purchase something I thought important at the time.

            Everyone was supposed to pay ten bucks to get in, and the winner would get fifty percent, second place thirty, and third place twenty.

            I won my first fight, I won all my fights actually, save for one which I threw on purpose to enter the loser’s bracket and have more fun fighting as the winner of the loser’s bracket fought the winner of the winner’s bracket for first place.

            I fought SG in my second match which was the one I was going to forfeit, which I did promptly when I reached 9 out of the 10 points needed to win.

            After I finished the loser’s bracket and came back out into the winner’s bracket I faced him for first place, both of us using Bo staves.

            But this was a moment for him to show superiority.

            The tournament wasn’t just random fighting to hit each other, there were rules and one strict one was no head shots.

            Each fighter should be aiming their attacks for points but SG was just trying to literally beat me up, which explains when he did hit me, it was in a way that could hit nothing but my face; a thrust to my mouth and chipped my tooth.

            In the end I won and got fifty percent of the money, SG getting thirty and SH getting twenty but I was the only one to pay for entry so as it turned out, I gave both of them money and had to pay two hundred dollars to repair my tooth.

            Raw deal as some would say.

            But the thing was; that was just who SG was and no one can change that, we just need to support him.

            I haven’t seen him roughly since then and SH informs me that he’s joined a group of pot smokers and quit school.

            SG told me himself he was going to join the military, to which I blatantly told him off.

            But I guess whatever happens happens, I just hope he’s okay in the future, but I doubt he will be as he never concentrated on school enough (Us social outcasts literally can’t apply ourselves half the time).

            So now, that’s his life to worry about, I’ll help however I can but this isn’t the time to talk about that.

 

            This is about friendship and though he is my friend, I’m not going to talk about his present or his future, instead I will talk about the serious topic of my friendship with N.

            N was by far a great friend, he was very negative and cynical but that was just N. He is poor, no if ands or buts about it, and he is also a social outcast, probably why I was able to find him and befriend him, being in the same boat.

            I told you how great friends we were, we spent hours on that game together and though it’s slightly embarrassing I did accumulate a total of three thousand five hundred hours on that game.

            It was a pleasure that was beyond his class on society; this online game. But he was so lucky to be able to play it and it was great to him.

            It was a wonderful world outside of this one in which important people that mattered to him, such as myself could still exist and we could run around frolic, be merry, adventure and save those annoyingly omnipresent damsels in distress.

            We could converse about the game when we weren’t playing it and we could climb to the top of it in terms of skill.

            The game was never ending either, there were so many things you could do, so many characters to live as it was endless and that’s another reason we were able to use it as a medium for running away.

            But the thing was, though he was truly derogatory to me and SH at times, I didn’t exactly mind it much.

            In fact, SH and N needed to insult each other.

            This may sound truly odd but I have a history of psychological knowledge from my mother the psychologist and my long history of following the works of Carl Jung.

            N and SH needed to insult each other because they were both social outcasts and as they were social outcasts they were horrid at communication and interacting with others.

            Let me show you something that I thought up long ago.

            When you insult someone, you are essentially “putting them down” or in other terms lowering them. People say that bullies do this because when they put others down, they themselves seem higher in relation.

            But if we’re raising and lowering things, isn’t there also a bottom? The lowest of the low?

            What are we measuring? Humanity?

            So let’s go on this assumption that there is a lowest of the low on this scale of humanity. What does 0 on this scale represent? Does it mean you’re not human, that you have no humanity? Yes, in the eyes of the world it most certainly does.

            So when you lower someone else and thereby raise yourself, if even in relation, you’ve proved your existence and humanity because no matter what level you were at before, if you’ve raised, you can’t be at 0 anymore.

 

            So this was just their means of communication, their equilibrium, their way of coexisting.

            But the one problem with them was, as this progressed and their self worth was increased, their level of humanity as they regard themselves subconsciously, growing higher, only one could ascend to the top.

            They both could not break through the barrier and into society after such an amazing rise; one had to stay behind, that one was N.

            But I was still there for N, more or less as we hadn’t had our major falling out yet.

            But that came right after.

 

            While on this game of our, Guild Wars, he was showing me a way to make game money by doing some running around in a snowy virtual mountain, he noted that it was very peaceful quiet and calm.

            We had a conversation about him, I’m not sure how it came up, but he had told me that he had a set of things to do. I honestly can’t remember exactly how he termed what it was, but I remember that it gave the impression that it was acts to be performed.

            I was growing nervous about these goals. (That’s right, that’s what he called them!) and so I asked him, something along the lines as to if he’d hurt someone if they got in the way of his goals.

            The was time before his answer, time for contemplation but he eventually said a simple “yes.” but the thing was, there was a misunderstanding.

            His goals, weren’t dreams to be achieved. They were rules that he governed himself by, like to never be oppressed, never give up your free will, and the like, these are our rights, our freedoms, our humanity and of course most of us would probably try to hurt someone if they tried to strip you of these things and oppress you completely.

            I know I would, so if anyone is going to blame him, than I’m just as guilty, except I’m more guilty…

            Because I misunderstood and made others misunderstand, creating a horrid situation for him.

            Now my life had turned from the continuously betrayed to the betrayer.

            N now had no one, not SH nor I because we’d both abandoned him, and the worst part is, the last time this happened he lapsed into seclusion from everything in the world, a catatonic state.

            But now with this emotional trauma of my betrayal, I can imagine he’s doing a lot worse.

            I see him every day at school now, more and more every day as though my eyes are opening, my conscious screaming at me and my psyche just crying out for me to go to him fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness.

            No man deserves the fate I laid on him.

 

            I see him, on the narrow landing at the top of the stairs, laying there, on the ground; not even sitting up.

            He lays there, eyes closed, and doesn’t even look up at those who come and go, he’s catatonic, and it’s all my fault.

 

            God N, if you ever read this book, I want you to know that I never ever meant for this to happen, I was stupid, I was drove by JS, and though I know those are no excused, I just wish I could take it all back.

            If I could I would, if I could run and find that teacher I told and scream at him that I was wrong, by god I would.

            I had a spiel with the guidance councilor already because when I spoke with her for the very first time, I knew in my soul that I had to ensure that you were okay, I had to clear things up and set the story straight, I had to admit my confession was wrong.

            I have to beg for forgiveness.

 

            So that’s that.

            That’s my blurb on friendship I think. I’ve really said a lot of what I wanted to said before this chapter, the introduction touched basis on everything so it’s kind of annoying to say them again without repeating yourself.

            Which I guess can lead me to my next topic, as soon as I figure out what it is and then write it…

            Two days ago when I started this novel for no reason in the middle of the night it was all planned out so perfectly in my mind, but that’s the way life goes, it always gets turned upside down and shaken up; we can’t expect everything to go perfectly, else I’d have nothing to write about.

            But now that I’ve sat down to think about it, and I remembered my chapters that I’d planned, averaging seven thousand words per chapter, I would need four chapters to make this book reach my goal, the problem is I can only remember the last three chapters, not the next one.

            But I think I know what I’m going to do it on, whether it’s going to be long or not, good or bad it’s coming out; whether it wants to or not.

 

On Society

 

            Now that the argument as to what I was going to name this chapter is settled, I just have to figure out what I’m going to say.

            Sure it’s about society but what am I going to say about it?

            Am I going to make it all light and fluffy or dark and cruel?
            Maybe I’ll make it some economical drag, but I seriously doubt that.

            I think I’ll just start speaking my mind, but not on typical things like the way things are and what’s wrong with them; I’ll probably be talking about the way society works, its flaws, how it treats people and the like.

            That’s something I can seriously relate to because, you know what, the entire world had turned away from me at one point or another.

            Turned away and wouldn’t look at me, this thing that it created, but I don’t want to seem like I’m telling off society, in fact, what I want to say to society, be it a physical mass of a single entity rather than many unrelated people, is that I survived.

            When all the lights were out, when I was trapped in that little tiny office with Mrs. M, and no one to believe me when I said I just needed some time alone, when the entire world would just shun me and my own; I survived.

            But look at you, Bigshot Society!

            I don’t think I’d dare to say that you’ve survived, look at yourself!

            Do you remember an amazing man that was once part of you named John Lennon?

            What about Abe Lincoln? Kennedy? Gandhi?

            I’m beginning to wonder how many amazing people I can list that have had untimely demise.

            Every single time a figure raises up within your midst and points out your flaws, doing such amazing good in the world that we will be sure to prosper for a very long time, one of your ranks kills them.

            What is this? Some sort of equilibrium?

            There’s something known as Brain Plasticity which is a term used to refer to the brains ability to revert to a previous state, an equilibrium to act if anything dramatic has happened.

            Are you such a thing to great men?

            When something amazing happens do you need to reset the scales and murder them?

            Well let me tell you something, Society, if you need to get rid of someone that’s offsetting the balances, you’re likely to find them in the mirror.

            After all, if we even think that these great heroes’ death is tragic and terrible, then I’m sure you, Society, believe that these people who assassinate them are bad.

            Then why aren’t they found previous to their murders? If we look for these people, these great heroes with such a zeal, why don’t the same people at the same time search for those assassins, they’re equally rare, equally prominent, they seem to be almost one in the same; a counterbalance, equilibrium.

            As though you can’t have one without the other.

            So, Society, I have a question.

            Why is there such a duality? Is it fate, in some sense that once these heroes fulfill their destinies on this earth, they need to leave it?

            Are they compromising something they shouldn’t by bringing good into the world?

            Those are pretty far fetched so let’s discredit them, I guess the only answer is that there are strange, insane people out there that are waiting for a target.

            So my final question before continuing past this mini blurb of mine is this: Society, if these murderers exist within you, how do they come about and is it not then your fault that they turn into these killers?

 

            Let me explain something.

            There was a period of time in my life when I was pretty much completely alone and lost without a reason.

            There were actually more times than one, a few more.

            When I moved here from Ontario I clung to my family because I couldn’t grasp why it is we had to leave our home and our family, but then again I couldn’t understand the fact that my own family, my own flesh and blood was spinning lies of members of my immediate family, even myself the innocent child.

            I wonder why that came about, sure it can be a mental disorder but I wonder how it would be achieved and why it wasn’t always there.

            Can you tell me, Society, why it is that normal people can suddenly get these disorders without much warning?

            Oh, I see, that’s a very good answer Society; you believe that traumatic stress and psychological factors and influences can drive a mind into a position when to protect itself it can create a disorder.

            That’s a very, very good point.

            But then why is it that my Aunt S had to get such a disorder? What did she do, and why did these “traumatic psychological factors” have to target her like you’ve said?

            Furthermore, why is it that people can be driven into such a corner merely because of social alienation that their defense mechanisms consume them and destroy them?

            Isn’t it an indication that something is wrong when it’s ultimately a defense mechanism in response to the threat that finally destroys someone, such as the path that SG is heading down and I can no longer pull back?

            Well here’s the funny thing Society, you’re not one entity, regardless of how I address you, you are many and though many of you may be united, when I draw out that point, as to why these things can happen to people, the only possible answer can be human intervention, and society, referring to everyone, you divide amongst yourselves to blame others.

            You were the infinite, the stalwart and the intellectuals that could together provide me with a great answer, but now that the tables have turned and I’ve put you on the spotlight, called your own question into the light none the less, and you run amok in chaos.

            Tell me what use is it to divide yourselves and blame each other for these psychological traumatic factors?

            Does it matter who’s at fault, or does it matter how we can fix and avoid this problem?

            Funny thing though, no one seems to notice that society is at fault here, not Jim, not Bob or George, Carla, Samantha or Brittany.

            You can divide yourselves all you god damn well want but in the end, you’re still a society and it doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done or haven’t done; you’re part of a society and contribute to it, you owe it to the entirety of everything to better society.

            You know why?

            Because there was a time in my life when I was alone, because of Social Alienation, and do you know who’s at fault for that?

            Society is at fault, you are part of society and you are at fault.

            It doesn’t matter if you’re B, the one who did the most in my eyes to help me, or if you’re J who completely betrayed me. It doesn’t matter if you’re Q R S or T, who bloody well cares what your name is when it comes to the fact that Society is corrupt and it’s killing people off because their brains, their hearts, psyches, their own god damn souls are trying so hard to protect them from you, that they end up killing themselves off!

            Sometimes it takes someone from the opposite side of things to really show you what it’s like but I don’t think I can sum it up in a few words and do you know why?

            Because you read them, and go on.

            Sure they may have an impact and they may stay with you, but probably not forever and even if you do, the time it took you to read it, I can guarantee wasn’t as long as it was for me to live it.

            So, here’s what I want you to imagine:

            You are a student, a young teen in the range of 12-15. You are an outcast and though you may want to or think you can talk to people, you literally can not unless they begin the conversation.

            You don’t believe you’re stupid by any means but every time you get a test back, your scores are slowly getting lower and lower.

            Know why? It’s because you can’t apply yourself, you’ve lost the ability because something’s consuming your mind but only in your subconscious.

            But you don’t care about your score so you tuck it away quickly so no one sees it and remain stalwart in your belief that you’re intelligent.

            But the scores keep lowering, yes, continuously and remember, you have no friends to talk to, you can’t talk to people.

            That means no online chat at home, no talking with people at lunch, nothing.

            And now, imagine the loneliness, slowly sinking in, gradually, like the heat rising on a summer day.

            Sure it may start off cool but it grows, and it grows slowly so you don’t notice it, but soon by noon it’s blazing and suddenly you realize just how much it’d grown without you noticing.

            Just like your loneliness, it’s grown massive and you can feel it in every fiber of your body at every waking moment, you dread going to school because even if it’s a somewhat one sided conversation you can at least interact with your parents.

            But then your marks make them angry, and then that interaction isn’t fun anymore, so you’re left all alone in your room, with no one to talk to, this loneliness and…

            …suddenly…

            You realize that there’s something wrong.

 

            Painful to imagine, isn’t it? It’s much worse when it’s real, trust me on that. But even so, even if it is painful to imagine, I left out one of the most crucial details in that scenario.

            Consistency.

            You need to remember that this is every day, this is every moment, this never ends and the feeling you get from reading this just never dies and you can never forget it.

            Sure you can forget an itch from a mosquito bite if you’re preoccupied, but what if you couldn’t forget it?

            What if it was always in your mind like maggots festering in your psyche?

            You’d scratch it, and then some more, and more until it starts bleeding, but you’d scratch even more.

            Eventually you’d keep scratching until the bit is a bleeding mess, sure to leave a scar.

            In the moments of relief when you’re asleep, a scab covers overtop but guess what, that just makes it itchier!

            You can’t escape the itch, you can’t escape the loneliness, it’s always there and do you know why?

            Because society has bread a thing known as Social Alienation but society has yet to experience it.

            It never will experience it, Social Alienation can only occur to the individual and it separates them from society, which is why after conquering social alienation, I’m able to address you as Society without including myself.

            And what, I ask you, would be the result if all of us, who have ever seriously experienced social alienation banded together to create a society?

            Do you think for one second we’d allow social alienation or do you think that it would just slip passed us?

            I can tell you one thing, neither would ever take place.

            So why is it that only those who receive such torture from you, Society, can ever have a chance of making a society free of your flaws?

            It’s because we know the truth, and we know enough about the truth, to work as a society, rather than pointing fingers at each other.

            After all, what kind of society is one that’s completely divided amongst itself, pointing its fingers in all directions?

            Not a very good one, Pal.

 

            I must be sounding like some sort of a broken record by now, so repetitiously redundant, but I’ll say it as many times as I need to, just to get it through to you.

            Address your own flaws, or society will have no hope in rectifying its own.

            Everyone knows who Albert Einstein is I’m sure, but there are quite a few things a lot of people don’t know about him.

            He himself experienced social alienation.

            What do you think it was, when people always talked about how the teachers of one of this planet’s greatest minds said he would amount to nothing?

            Did you think it was a joke? Or did you think it meant nothing?

            It was social alienation, blatantly.

            Albert Einstein was a genius, and he recognized so many flaws in society but so little is common knowledge.

            He once said that if at first the idea is not absurd, there is no hope for it.

            Doesn’t that seem a little odd, coming from the faceplate of intelligence?

            What about Mohandas Gandhi? Everyone should know him, he’s famous too, very wise, this glimpse of the ultimate knowledge apparently.

            (Note: another who was murdered when he’d done something amazing. Right after his near death experience from his hunger strike that eventually brought the two groups together as he’d hoped, he was assassinated in a crowd.)

            Well Mohandas Gandhi said that we must be the change we wish to see in the world.

            Does that sound abstract to you?

            Well think about it this way, what have I been addressing?

            Society.

            And who are you? What are you part of?

            You are part of society, you are society, you are the world and thereby, it is your duty regardless of the actions of others, you are charged with the duty to rectify its problems, because they are your own.

            Martin Luther King Jr. ring any bells? Well he said almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.

            Do you know what that means?

            That means that the small group of people that are putting in the effort to making society better, has indeed done so already.

            Every single effort contributes greatly.

            Now, I’ve got a question for you: How many people did I quote that were assassinated?

            Two of the three, the one that wasn’t assassinated was Einstein but that’s okay, do you know why?

            Because he had moments in his life far worse than dying after bringing us fortune.

            He was a scientist, a brilliant man that brought us scientifically leaps and bounds but it was his snippits of philosophy that brought society any good and what use is science if the people who use it are corrupt?

            Albert Einstein did not become a prominent figure of a progressive society, no, but he did have wonderful ideas and do you know what that gained him?

            He was horribly wracked with emotional pain. He was a good man, a very good man.

            He felt what you feel, he had opinions like you do, and notions of justice and the like.

            So I wonder how it felt for him, when he was informed just how many people his atomic bomb killed?

            How would you feel if someone told you your invention essentially wiped out Hiroshima?

            What about when a survivor arrived at his door?

            When a blatant survivor had to travel across the globe to the complete other side just to glimpse the face of the man that had designed the thing that destroyed your entire world?

            How would you feel, if that face he came to see was yours?
            Would you forget it easily, like my little story of loneliness?

            Would you divide amongst yourselves and point fingers?

            Yeah, that’s brilliant!

            You’re gonna have this god damn survivor of the thing you created and killed so many at your door and you’ll stop everything just so you can say “Sorry bud but it wasn’t me, it was him!”

            Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with society when things like that can be commonplace implied?

 

Interlude to Madness

 

            Well that was certainly riveting and appealing, at least to me and that’s fine – after all, I am the madman.

            The thing is, I feel so strongly with everything that’s just been said that even now, probably four days since I wrote that without even once rereading it, I still feel the mass urge to spread the word and scream my notions to Society.

            But there’s one thing I want you to know.

            Though I am a madman, I am not here to tell you some sob story.

            I don’t exactly know why I’m here, to tell you the truth.

            I guess I’m just writing these things I feel so deeply for, but I can assure you I do feel, do you?

            Forgive me; I need to work the interrogation of Society from the last chapter out of my system.

            There are two reasons why this interlude is here. The first is to divide the first half of the book with the second, and the second reason is to stop the momentum of my last chapter as I wouldn’t want to track it’s notions through my next few topics.

            So if you’re feeling strongly about the last chapter and you have an urge to act, allow me to tell you what to do.

            Get off your butt, put down this useless book, and start helping.

            Don’t read on unless you’ve taken a break, got it?

            You better.

            So, I can only assume what my next three and final chapters will be on so I assume I can talk about what I’m about to talk about as I don’t think it will be in the book otherwise.

            I’ve mentioned the game Guild Wars before, have I not?

            And I’ve mentioned that I played it with N, but did I mention that I had three thousand five hundred hours of time spent playing it?

            I did? Oh shucks, that was supposed to be a shock.

            So anyways, three and a half thousand hours of game play, many with N. Well I quit the game at one point too and I’ll tell you why:

            I was in this guild known as the Legion of Feng Huang which comprised of people from every age, sexual preference, religious beliefs, and geographical location.

            It was great times all around, and I actually was brought into it by a 51 year old woman named Di.

            There was this guy, Rt, who was known as “The guild bastard” as he was more or less a blatantly derogatory bastard.

            I was okay with it, it didn’t bug me too much but one day it just got to be way too much for me and I quit the guild.

            The next day I was online and I was messaged by Di to whom I explained the situation and she said that if I ever wanted to come back I was free to.

            I said I’d keep it in mind and the next day I spoke to another member and asked him to bring me back in.

            But the thing was, I was denied, after they offered I was denied when I tried to accept.

            The best part of the entire thing, is that I’m in that guild again, it’s so oxymoronic, but right now I’m skipping my point.

            Point was, after I was denied, I quit for quite a few months, this was very recently and I only rejoined about two days ago.

            During this time, I had no contact with N as was obvious, not that I made contact with him anyways.

            But I assumed he’d quit Guild Wars as I thought he’d even told me so at one point.

            Well two days ago I logged in, and I saw that he was online; we’d both chosen essentially the same day to log back in after so long a time frame.

            Well the first thing I said was a simple hello, but I followed up with telling him that I needed to say something and I just needed him to hear me out completely.

            I told him everything I’ve told you and more. I told him what happened between him and I; that I was horribly sorry, I told him that J betrayed me and I did the same to him but in an even harsher way.

            And you know what he said?

            That he didn’t believe I’d done anything wrong.

            You have no idea how relieved I felt after hearing that and ever since then, communications have been open and I was actually blessed with the sight of him sitting up from his catatonic sleeping position in the fire escape, directly preceding our conversation of Guild Wars.

            So, I guess this is just an update or so, but the point is that I think I’ve restored my relations with N which is truly a miraculous gift.

 

On Spirituality

 

            Yes yes, we’ve all heard the term, we’ve all heard of religion before but even if you don’t believe in god or religion, (I should say especially if you don’t) then you should still read this chapter.

 

            When I was young, very young, I remember a church but I only knew it was a church far after those memories.

            There was this great big paved hill that led to the entrance and I remember walking down it with my parents and then there’s this big great gap that we didn’t return.

            But eventually we did start attending church again, and that’s when I realized it was a church.

            It was great, besides the boring sermons there’d be singing and praise and a sermon just for us kids.

            It was a Pentecostal church but I can’t really comment on that because it would be a biased opinion.

            That was where I met a great friend of mine and had a wonderful religious experience.

            I attended Sunday school as I was essentially forced and learned quite a bit about god and such.

            Thing was, there’s one problem with organized religions like that; they’re organized and thereby adhere to a specific set a rules and laws.

            Religion and one’s beliefs shouldn’t be buckled down with laws; that’s just silly in my opinion; but I didn’t know that.

            There was vacation bible school which was great fun, a summer school for church. And there was even boys and girls club that was hosted by the church, to which I still have my sash and badges.

            But the one thing that strikes me as odd throughout this entire time is that though I did learn physical knowledge, I didn’t learn anything spiritual at all.

            I heard these stories and essentially formed my image of god, but I didn’t establish a relation or anything to the concept; it was nothing more than a story the way they taught it.

            Let me say this; I am a Christian, but I did not become a Christian at the church.

            But there was this one time, when I was in a class at vacation bible school and the first day we were all told to close our eyes and when we did we were asked to raise our hands if we wanted to become Christians and if we wanted to be saved.

            See at this point I was already a Christian but I raised my hand anyways.

            As I did the next day.

            And the next.

            And so on until these sessions ceased to be.

            The thing was, though I was essentially becoming a Christian I felt absolutely no different and I knew it too. I knew that there had been no real change physical or otherwise and so I felt that something had gone wrong so I needed to do it again.

            But nothing changed at all throughout that time, and I don’t even believe that I was a Christian at that time.

            But that’s just how it goes I guess…

 

            I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of magic, but there are a few reasons for this, one being because I’m a philosopher inside, another being that I’m also a fantasy writer inside.

            But regardless of the reasons, I was always fascinated by it. I used to stare at flames on candlesticks because they mesmerized me. I’d dance in the rain and meditate on rocks at the waters edge.

            Pretty odd kid huh?

            Well my mom is very spiritual and though we’d never had a real discussion on god or spirituality that was any more helpful than Sunday school had been, I may have picked up my spiritual and magical notions from her.

            I think that the pivotal moment in my religious history was when I was sitting on this rock that my mom often sat on. It was nice, big smooth and flat right on the edge of the lake which made it not only comfortable but it had a great view.

            We always called it “mom’s rock” but hey, who can ever own land?

            We were sitting there, and she had laid her hand on the rock, palm flat against it and I’d done the same.

            She asked me then if I could feel the warmth and I nodded. That’s when she asked me “How can you not feel that it’s alive?”

            She wasn’t asking me, it was rhetorical as I’d agreed with her that I’d felt the warmth but I didn’t even know what I was agreeing to.

            It was a warm rock, so what? Rocks absorb heat and store it quite well, it’s simple.

            But what I didn’t realize is that I’d started down a long path of spirituality.

            I’d frequent moments like that, when I’d feel the warmth of things, but you must note that though I use the term warmth, it wasn’t the same as regular warmth, it was more like an indication of a soul.

            That definitive barrier between life and death.

            Well that was that, I thought rocks were alive, stared at flames and danced in the rain, but that’s as far as it went for that period of my life.

            This is when I started praying more frequently.

            If I ever prayed, I’d remember to use terms that referred to how I tended not to pray often but really needed whatever it was that I was praying for.

            One time I’d prayed for my dog, Tigger, but a simple prayer doesn’t typically save a dog from old age and he was put down soon.

            From then on nothing spectacular happened in my spiritual life, until I met JS on guild wars.

            She lived in the states, a very different culture I’m sure.

            But she had very unique views on spirituality. She told me that everything has a spirit, which I knew already just not in my conscious mind, but she also told me that everything has an energy.

            I’d like to point out that typically in fantasy in order to perform magic you need a special kind of energy that isn’t typically found in every day life so this was pretty intriguing to me.

            She told me that there were two types of energy; positive and negative.

            Much like their names suggest they referred to things such as happiness, joy, contentment, for positive, and pain, anger, frustration, depression, and agitation for negative.

            They were the essence of essentially everything and negative energy was literally negative energy. It was like a negative number and could be cancelled out with positive energy.

            The first thing she taught me was that energy could be taken and given from things like the outside world and other people.

            She explained how to send and receive energy and walked me through it with her, sending her my own and receiving some of hers.

            Though this may sound completely insane and it may be, you must remember that I am after all, a madman and this was right up my alley.

            After I’d learned that she told me about pendulums; but apparently they aren’t like those in grand father clocks and don’t have balls on the bottom.

            She told me that you can ask them questions, much like a magic eight ball, and it would give you an answer of either yes, no, or maybe.

            Apparently the answers come from inside of us, from our own spirits as we know the answers and depending on which way the pendulum sways when you ask the question, you can decipher an answer to your question.

            I don’t believe this though.

            I did at the time but I don’t believe it anymore.

            See, she believed that everything was predetermined and that when we’re born our physical bodies forget everything but our souls don’t and going on that she thought that she could use her spirit to do the seemingly impossible.

            She could read the future with her pendulum, but as I said I don’t believe that. But she also thought she could get predictions from tarot cards and fortune tellers as well as cure wounds by touch.

            I suppose this is where I should draw the line and start telling you what I believe rather than what she believed.

            I believed, and still do to this day, that there are human spirits and energies within us all. That there are positive and negative energies that can influence how we feel and the like, but I also believe in a few abstract thoughts. For example, I believe that you can relate your spirit to an elemental force with your energy, and I also believe you can use it to meditate and find god.

            But way back when I believed in the pendulum, there was a very interesting experience that I had.

            There’s this girl I used to baby sit, MW, and after I stopped babysitting her and she grew up a bit, I found out that she was into Wiccan magic.

            After some conversations, my pendulum came up and she said she was inside one of those protective circles.

            Well I had my pendulum out and typical I find it’s great as just a focus for your energy, but I was actually asking it a question about MW, though I can’t remember what.

            Thing was, as soon as I asked the thing literally fell apart. I’d had it dangling in my palm at one moment and then when I asked the question, for no apparent reason, it just fell apart.

            So that kind of lead me to be cautious about Wiccan magic in general.

            Well anyways, right around here I broke it off with JS and a lot of her beliefs fell from me, like the pendulum for one but at the same time, my own beliefs sprang into place.

            I meditate a lot, and in my meditations I can come across some very astounding things.

            In my beliefs everything has a spirit. That is a very simple statement, but leading on that, it would mean that a storm has a spirit, and I completely agree with that.

            One day I had been outside in the middle of a hurricane, with winds whipping around me in every direction, my hair blowing everywhere and the rain just pouring down on me.

            There was such a howl of wind in my ears and the sound of the droplets of water hitting my skin was almost thundering.

            But I closed my eyes, and face towards where the wind was coming from, towards the heart of the storm and began to meditate.

            I can tell you now that though nothing spectacular happened, I connected with the storm and it was such an amazing feeling that I’ll never forget it.

            At the same time, my meditation is like a spiritual cleansing of my body; it removes myself from myself and acts as a sort of reboot.

            But I’ll have to veer off track for a moment.

            I said that I believed that everything had a spirit, but I think I need to really repeat myself there.

            I believe that everything has a spirit; Bo staves and Bokens included.

            As it is, I have one Bo Staff and two Bokens, each one with a spirit and each one with an affinity for my own spirit.

            They’ve been with me for so long, adapting so immensely to my spirit that when I hold them, I can literally feel it coursing through them.

            They’re like containers, or focal points, and that’s one of the reasons why I enjoy using them so much in Kenpai.

I made up that term; Kenpai.

I use it as the name for my own martial arts which I combine with my spiritual beliefs and the like.

My Bo Staff has a very special and almost trance like energy in it while my main Boken has a resolute energy in it; I use them at different times.

            The Bo Staff is for when I need to get away from things and just meditate whilst the Boken is for when I’m troubled emotionally.

            My Bo Staff is the most commonly used of them all and I love it so much because the movements are constant, they’re spectacular, they’re mesmerizing like the wind itself.

            When I’m out there at night, when the world sleeps and I’m just a lone man with this big stick of majesty wrapping itself around my body in quick, graceful arcs as I meditate, there’s nothing quite like it.

            It drops me into such a state of meditation that I sometimes feel like I’m leaving my body.

            But at the same time, there have been much more spiritually moving moments in my life; such as one discussion with my mother when she mentioned “the depth” in reference to god.

            The instant she used the term I could see in my mind a blackness, a certain expanse like the pits of the seas but at the same time I could see the edge of this expanse and a very prominent door before my eyes.

            It was right there, oval shaped but elongated and trimmed with a pulsating red color.

            It was the epitome of depth in my mind and I knew at the time as I still do that at any moment in my life I can reach out and open that door in the Depth but when I begin to contemplate it, such a strong and sudden fear overtakes me because there is no possibly way for us to even begin to conceive what lies beyond that door.

            It is the infinite, it is the eternal and everlasting, it is something we can never understand and most of us fear.

            But there is still an urge inside of me to reach out and open that door and sometimes when I feel I’m contemplating it, struggling between the fear and the urge I realize that I’ve actually stopped breathing.

            Can you imagine something being so consuming in your mind that you actually forget to keep breathing?

 

            Quite honestly, this entire chapter seems dry and drawn out, as though I couldn’t’ve strayed further than the topics I should be on, but there’s something I must dote on, regardless of whether or not I pursue the topics I’ve placed in front of me or not.

            I have to dote on love.

            …Which brings us to…

 

On Love

 

            Love is such a controversial term, it’s such a wondrous thing and there’s actually no way to fully understand it.

            There have been countless tests on it but there are still so many questions that can’t be answered.

            For instance, if you are in love, can you remember the exact moment that you fell in love? If you can I salute you because you’ve achieved something I have not.

            But there’s something else about love; it’s kind of biased.

            My first “girlfriend” we’ll say, JM, I said I loved her and it was a simple feat. But the question is whether or not I meant it.

            I completely did mean it, one hundred percent, I’d even cried over the woman and we’ve already touched basis on that relationship and how it ended so how could I’ve meant it?

            Well it’s simple I didn’t know what love was.

            Can you sum it up in one sentence?

            I doubt it, not on the spot.

            The thing is, most of us have a concept as to what love is but we don’t know what it truly is.

            The first time we fall in love we have no idea what it is but through each time we begin to understand what it is, or at least we think we do.

            Have you ever agreed with the statement that it had never felt as it does now?

            I’m sure you have at one point or another, but of course it didn’t.

            Who’s to say, though, that your concept of love won’t grow even larger and the next time it will feel even more different?

            The thing about LMW for me is I have such an intense feeling of destiny with her that I’m completely in love with her.

            My opinions on love have changed over the years and I’ve said that I loved three others before her, each one I was wrong.

            So what makes this one different?

            Fate.

            I could be horribly wrong as of course I am a biased source but though the sense of love has never felt as it does in my relationship with LMW; there’s another factor.

            There’s just a sense of rightness to every experience with her, everything about her just seems to fall into place in my life and fit perfectly.

            It’s just this feeling that’s so hard to explain, like it’s my fate and my soul knows that she is the one that it’s been searching for, for so long now.

            But what can I say? I am a madman.

            You may recognize the name from the initials LMW but the truth is, right now she’s in Montreal for a heart surgery.

            I’ve already told you this but this is a section on love and she is the woman I love so I’ve got to tell you the whole story.

            She was born with a heart condition and she went to Montreal to replace two valves and her pacemaker.

            I on the other hand had no way of getting down there with her and so I had to say good bye.

            Do you have any idea how hard it is to say goodbye to the woman you love without knowing if you’ll ever see her again?

            It’s hard, that’s all I can say.

            It’s damn well hard.

            I told you I can’t cry unless she’s involved and I’ll tell you now, that in the last week, I’ve shed more tears than I’ve shed in five years prior to that.

            We’re so young, you know?
            We’ve both had troubles.

            She has her heart, and that makes her weak a lot of the time and she suffers a lot socially in terms of school because of it.

            I, well I’ve already told you all about myself; my Social Alienation, ADHD, anger, and the like.

            But we’re just kids.

            Why is it so fucking hard? Why does it have to happen to us, so early in life? It seems like the entire world has just up and piled on us and it’s just so fucking hard.

            The world has been so cruel to her, she wasn’t expected to even live this long but she’s resolute, she’s stubborn, and by god she’s one helluva fighter.

            Me too, like I said before in the society chapter, all I wanted to tell Society, was that I survived when it turned its back on me.

            But, both of us?

            Just two kids, we’re not even adults yet for Christ’s Sake!

            She’s not even 18 and she’s had nine surgeries! This is the second time in this god damn year that she’s gone to Montreal for a surgery!

            And you know what makes it even worse?

            The fact that no one seems to care…

            Don’t get me wrong, everyone has supported her so immensely and I’m eternally grateful to you all, but that’s when it stops…

            It’s just a brief instant when they dote on us, on her, on her pain, and then they continue on.

            They buy a ticket for a fund raiser and they show appalling numbers in their support but then it’s almost like everyone has forgotten about her…

            It’s always Society, you know? It’s always Society that ends up forgetting, always Society that’s ignorant; it’s always Society that breeds the troubles…

            But try as I might, I can’t seem to blame her heart on Society.

            But, she wasn’t expected to reach fucking three years old!!!

            Did you even fucking comprehend what I just god damn well said?!

            The professionals thought she wouldn’t even live this long!

            So why the hell does she have a heart condition? Why the hell does it even exist in this god damn world?!

            Are you honestly going to try and tell me it was chance?

            Was she just unlucky to have been born when she was…?

            God I’m crying again…

 

            There was a unit in my English class on the Beothuk Indians. We studied them and how the British attempted to “civilize” them, which turned out to mean brutally beat and murder them.

            There was one particular story of a man named Peyton and his band of men that captured a woman named Demesduit because they were going to “civilize” her and use her to communicate with her people.

            When they reached the camp there was a scuffle and she was captured because she had just given birth and was so exhausted.

            Her husband had taken the baby and ran to safety; their priority being the baby. But during this time she was captured and when her husband returned he tried to get her back.

            The story tells of how he didn’t engage, but made motions with a branch of a tree and spoke at length in a language they didn’t understand but eventually, according to the story, he attacked and they were forced to kill him, leaving his body there.

            But contrary to this story, his skull turned up on a different continent, but there were some startling features about it.

            The skull had a very large piece missing that told the tale of an axe to his face.

            Now that wasn’t in the story at all!

            The bottom line was that this movie showed us with utter realization just how horrible our ancestors had been in the brutal murder and extinction of the Beothuk Indians, how cruel we had been.

            But when the movie was over and I turned to face the class, I noticed that they were already up and about, laughing and playing, just generally having fun after hearing such a thing.

            I was so disgusted by them all I couldn’t help but write a poem;

 

I find it kind of funny

In a satirical kind of way

It was our ancestors who got what they wanted

But they weren’t the ones to pay.

That we’re told these countless stories

And read to all these poems

But continue indifferently

Walking gleefully home

How we can watch the slaughtering

And hear of such depravity

Feeling almost nothing

At our own loss of humanity

You people are worse than your ancestors

 

            I like that poem because it seems to sum up just how desensitized the world is to pain.

            Do you even know pain?

            Can you vouch for that?

            Can you even imagine how it feels, when you have to walk out of the hospital room of your love, knowing that you may never again see her precious face.

            I do.

            God do I ever.

            I had to leave her, just sitting there on her lonely bed in that lonely heartless hospital, I had to walk right out of the room when she was right beside and god I can’t even begin to express how horrible it is when you have to leave her, knowing fully well that it might be the last time.

            God, I might lose my baby!

            This is why I don’t want you to pity me. I have a reason as to why I was socially alienated, I can blame others for my problems.

            But who’s there to blame for her heart? Who is at fault for a natural defect?

            There’s no one; no one we can pursue in vengeance.

            All we can do is sit by her, hug her, hold her close and pray to god that it won’t be the last time I’m graced with her presence.

            It’s so hard, I know I must sound like such a sorry idiot, but it’s just so god damn hard to sit here all day long, every day in school and every day at home with every single moment an eternity without her in my arms.

            I used to think about how she felt, going into it. How scared she’d be, knowing that she may not come out…

            See, in school, I’m the great fun guy. I’m the happy one who never has any troubles and I don’t, I never get mad or upset at anyone, ever.

            I’m never depressed or sad because I know better and nothing is really worth that for me…

            But when it comes to her, to my love, my sunshine, my lily…

            There’s no better reason for sadness and it’s just so painful.

            I tell everyone I’m fine, the teachers and guidance councilors but that’s because I couldn’t ever tell them I’m not fine, and do you know why?

            Because they can’t do anything about it.

            Sharing pain helps to ease the burden, I know, but it won’t help in the slightest.

            She will still be at the edge and I still won’t be by her side, it’s just my test to stay strong for her while she goes through this.

            I’m crying again, give me a minute.

 

            I’m a hero.

            I don’t know if I said that or not but I’m a hero because I know what a real hero is. I tell LMW all the time that I’ll protect her no matter what.

            I tell her that if there’s a hurricane or tornado, I’ll command it to stop.

            I tell her that if there’s a tsunami, I’ll push it back into the ocean.

            But though these things sound impossible, I mean them because all I’m trying to say is that I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her.

            The problem is, there is nothing I can do for her right now, there’s absolutely nothing I can do but wait.

            I can’t even attempt the impossible by stopping a tsunami with my hands…

            What kind of hero am I?

            The resolute kind; and you know why?

            Because though I may get sad and depressed for her, I will always stand tall as a figure she can lean on, even if it’s in spirit.

            The neat thing is, I spent so much of my day today sending her every ounce of energy I had that my body was literally convulsing on my bed, shaking in my concentration as I drew it from every part of my body to send it to her.

            I’ve been able to heal before, with just my energy but it is very rare for me to be able to do it, but I think it’s just the intentions behind the action that really dictate how well it works.

            After I did, send her that energy, I got a call not too long later from her sister who told me that her fever had broke and her heart beat had returned to normal which was a godsend.

            I’m a Hero, a Class A Hero.

            I’ll send her every ounce of positive energy I’ve got and I’ll keep her in my prayers eternally, regardless if Society has forgotten about her.

            And you know why?

            Because I love her.

 

Second Interlude to Madness

 

            I need another interlude. My thoughts have scrambled and my plot has vaporized. I’ve lost sight of what this book was striving for.

            The first night that I wrote this book was spectacular, I ceased to exist and my thoughts just flowed out into this.

            It was truly a stunning experience and so astoundingly honest, but then the second instance came and though I like it a lot, it wasn’t the same as the first, it wasn’t as personal and honest as the first because I was far more aware of what I was writing.

            And now that it’s the third time I think I’ve hit a rock wall, I need to regain my original vision for this book.

            This book is supposed to be a diary of a Madman, (me) and thereby the thoughts of said madman on topics that he feels strongly about.

            What about the spirituality chapter? What good was that? Did you find any enthusiasm when reading it? I didn’t feel any when writing it so how could you?

            But the next chapter, On Love, really hit the nail on social injustice and I realized that I was far off track, no longer following my northern star, my sunshine, my lily.

            I don’t care if this book reaches fifty thousand words and wins that contest anymore, I really don’t…

            Because the more I concentrate on that, the less this book seems to matter and it turns to shit.

            The question is now, how do I get back on track for this book? It’s a diary, it’s a very personal style of writing and I will not edit anything I have already written, it’s just how I’m going to do it.

            So the question is how I steer it back on course, instead of changing where I went.

            This book is supposed to connect to my soul, it’s supposed to be everything I’ve ever dreamed, everything I’ve ever thought and loved, felt, experienced, strived for and lost, but you know what?

            I’ve never touched on true pain, just sadness.

            So do you know how I’m going to get back on track as to what I feel deeply?

            I’m going to feel my way until I find the light switch.

            Are you with me? You can’t have a writer without a reader.

 

On Loss

 

            Loss is a very special thing.

            Without Loss there can be no gain, and if there is no loss or gain, there is no change, no change means no opinion or individuality – we lose our humanity if we can’t experience loss.

            But the question is why does it have to be so prominent at times?

            Why do some people lose more than others and why do perfectly normal people who wouldn’t hurt a soul experience loss?

            Everyone needs to be human…

            We’ve all lost something before, I don’t care how old you are, oh reader who art reading this book; you have undoubtedly experienced loss at some point in your life.

            If you still want to argue that point, then consider this: you lost time to read this book.

            Some people lose physical items, some lose abstract ideas.

            Some people lose precious memories and some lose precious people.

            The first time I ever experienced death was my great grandmother and my great grandfather.

            I only have one memory of my great grandfather so I can’t even remember when he passed away, but my great grandmother, I remember my mother went and stayed with her in her final fleeting moments of life and I hear it was a beautiful transition.

            But it was a loss none the less.

            I was too young to feel it but it was a loss and my family felt it tremendously.

            A friend of mine, NO, lost his mother in junior high…

            The poor guy, having to go through that must’ve been so unbelievably terrible for him, but he got through it and he’s a happy person today; I’m proud of him.

            Another of my friends, CB whom I mentioned at the end of the On Women chapter, is currently out of town for terrible reasons.

            Her aunt passed away and right at this moment I don’t doubt that she’s experiencing the pain of loss that so many of us have already.

            She mentioned that she can’t stop crying, and of course she can’t, the pain of loss is horribly great.

            There’s also my dear and sweet LMW, who has also experienced loss.

            Her Papi passed away near Christmas the year before last I believe and it completely devastated her family at a time of celebration and well being.

            But that’s not it, she also lost a great aunt, and was horribly heart broken over that as well…

            I’m sorry but I’m about to run off on a great big blurb.

 

            I’ve told you parts of her story already, the poor girl has had so much trouble that can’t amount to anyone else I know.

            She’s got a heart condition and she’s currently in a sort of induced coma as I write this, hundreds of miles away.

            Then give her the life of fear and worry that’s accompanied the condition, the caution and introverted attitude she took on.

            Give her the deaths in he family, and all the other stupid horrid things that have happened in her life, and the ones I wont even mention because they’re so horrible.

            But she’s still cheery, she’s still happy, and it’s not some fake façade either! She’s genuinely happy and she blesses me with the most wonderful smiles.

            You know what?

            People say that global warming is because of all of those fossil fuels and such, but I tell ya, her smile is probably the biggest cause of global warming there is.

            It just lightens the entire room, and her laugh, my god.

            It’s so sweet, and so wonderful that you can’t help but fall in love with the angel that she is.

            When you think of how many horrible things have happened in her past, and how strong she’s fighting in all of her battles, you lose the ability to feel sorry for yourself.

            She’s lost so much, but she remains so happy, why is that?

 

            But to get back on track, I’ve lost a lot too.

            I’ve told you about the deaths in my family but I was too young for them, even my dog; Tigger.

            But about three years ago, my mom came home one day when J was over, and snuggled in her shoulder was a little black puppy and she was scared to death.

            It was in the middle of a freak and terrible snow storm, the winds were torrents of demonic howling and the snow was the foul substance you waded through.

            My mother had met with the man who was selling the pup to her in a parking lot in the middle of this snow storm and the instant she had gotten the pup, it had crawled right up into her shoulder with it’s snout in behind her head, hiding from the scary wind.

            But that’s just the kind of dog Rosie was; a scaredy cat.

            She was so adorable when she was young, she’d always seem like she was standing proud but it would be for such a short time because she was always so energetic and hyper.

            She loved to play with you and wrestle, even though you were like fifty times bigger than her, she’d give it her all and just have so much fun.

            Not only that, she had the greatest personality ever, she was truly a member of the family.

            She’d talk to us, with her growling and barking, she had such an attitude. She wouldn’t like it when we left her alone and she’d wait at the top of the stairs for us to come home and as soon as the door opened, she’d stare at us, all mad at us like and go “Woo-woo-woo!”

            But it was like she was trying to tell us “How dare you leave me here all alone and go off like that? And then you come back expecting me to be happy to see you? Okay!”

            And that was the end of that, her tail would be wagging so hard that pictures would be falling off the walls and she’d be chasing you down, panting and just loving the attention; she missed us terribly.

            And her little quirks were so cute too, like how I said she was a scaredy cat. She really was.

            If she was in the back yard, which she usually was, and heard something that scared her, she’d take off running as fast as she could towards the house or the forest, depending on where the sound came from.

            But the cute thing was, she’d be afraid that she wasn’t running was enough and that someone was chasing her and going to get her bum, so to try and stop them from getting her bum, she’d try to like pull her bum up beside her while she ran and she’d normally end up running sideways because of it; even if nothing was chasing her.

            She was so precious and I loved her so much.

            But she had chronic seizures, and they were so horrible to watch. She’d fall on the ground, her jaw would clench tight and she’d foam at the mouth, often biting her tongue and making it bleed.

            Then she’d start convulsing and every muscle in her body would spasm, she’d often be unable to control her bladder and there would be such a horrid scene before you, as you watched helplessly at your precious loved one going through all of this.

            They happened more and more, I think they were stress related, because of her anxiety, and it got to the point when she’d have several a day.

            But she was given medicated that was supposed to help her, and soon after that we moved to a new house which was very hard for her.

            Well, one day, in this new and stupid house that I’m living in, my poor sweet Rosie who I loved dearly had a seizure, the biggest one she’d ever had.

            Normally they’re a minute or two but this one just kept going and going, and even when she was being taken to the vet she was still having it.

            The thing is though, that she never did come out of that seizure…

            The pain of losing something dear to you is incredibly intense; it can destroy a person and shape who they are, changing them completely.

 

On Redundancy

 

            Yes, I called this chapter “On Redundancy” and do you know why?

            Because everything I’ve already said, I’m probably going to reiterate as it’s what I feel strongest about.

            But there’s one major difference, and that’s what I’m really going to be using it for.

            See before I explained a lot of things, gave a lot of stories, and shared a lot of thoughts, but though I felt incredibly strongly for those stories and thoughts, I didn’t really relate to you their hefty meanings, that’s what this chapter is going to be about.

 

            So, to begin, I’ve got a simple question for you.

            Have you ever felt pain?

            The answer is obviously yes, and odds are you didn’t like it.

            So, this being so, have you ever used a remedy for pain such as an ice pack or some sort of pain medication?

            You have? Neato!

            Do you know why that’s important? Because I’m about to switch from physical to mental. What do you do then when you’re in mental or emotional pain? Do you put an ice pack on your head?

            Of course not, right? (I hope not)

            But you don’t like pain, and you want to avoid it, so how do you?

            Well there are millions of different quirks that people have to save them pain, these are called defense mechanisms and I’ve already shown you quite a few in the earlier sections of this novel.

            Do you remember JBS, that woman whose hand I kissed?

            Well let’s look at my old relationship with her, ‘kay? Oh right, you don’t have a choice in the matter.

            So, anyways, she and I were friends, simply said.

            I was the only person in the school who could tell she was in pain just by looking at her and it freaked her out at first as I was essentially looking into her most private thoughts, regardless if I saw no content and only the emotions.

            So, she was kind of unsure what to do, no real input there from her we just gradually became more acquainted with each other.

            Eventually she relented and began telling me a few stories, we’d almost trade stories of each other’s past and that was the beginning of how I found out about her troubles.

            Sometime during that period of time, I mentioned to her that she should go for a walk, just a walk with no destination as it could really do wonders.

            She was very skeptical and reluctant but I found out later that day, after I’d gone home from school even, that she’d gone for a walk.

            In fact, she went for two, the second being with me once she got home.

            Now let’s pause this show and erase all the content, leaving us with the basics.

            I meet her, can see what she’s trying to hide. I’m happy, incredibly happy and I’m never sad or stressed or depressed or anything. I raise a solution and though she doesn’t believe it will work she relents and it becomes more and more frequent as a release, a way to get away from it all.

            That’s all said and done, but the thing is that her life had troubles and mine didn’t.

            She was an honors student, highest average in the school or near it, I was the kid who didn’t exactly care much and rarely took the initiative for work.

            So why is it that she, who strived so hard for everything, wasn’t as happy as I who didn’t?

            It made no sense to her mind, and so she needed to figure it out, that’s why she essentially attached herself to me and our friendship grew.

            Right around then, my sister lost her house and moved in with us. She and her children got my room as it was quite large and I got the couch. There was never an instant of peace and quiet but that’s fine, I could go for walks any time I wanted and on one such walk I was accompanied by JBS.

            We weren’t talking about much, I don’t think, and I fleetingly mentioned there was stress at home but I think that was the key factor in the ordeal.

            She’d now discovered that things weren’t one hundred percent fine with me and that I wasn’t completely happy, but then again, who is?

            But I don’t mind, I don’t care what she thinks as long as she can sleep at night.

            So, taking a closer look we can see that she was pained by her troubles, and then to see someone who was nowhere near as pained as she was and for no good reason was just such a burden for her mind to carry that she had to solve me like a question and figure out that missing variable; to determine that I wasn’t actually happy with my life, which I was.

            So that’s JBS, now let’s look at, anyone but J.

            So it falls on SG, the greatest and most tragic of all stories of defense mechanisms I know of.

            I’ve told you about social alienation, how society shuns some of us so much that we’re literally separated from society and even if we want to, we can’t even talk to others.

            This in itself is an intense burden to bear, worthy of a defense mechanism and somewhere in SG’s mind, he got one.

            Mine was a silent foolishness that garnered attention, but his, his was simple lies.

            I guess by lying he was able to gain a sense of power as he was manipulating things but the ultimate goal was attention, interaction, some sort of social existence as to society, we, the socially alienated populous, don’t even exist.

            So here he is, screaming out for attention with his lies and we give it to him easily, but the thing is, a lot of people began to catch onto SG’s lies.

            Sure that’s not a problem and it gives him me social interaction and attention, but eventually they got tired of them and blatantly rejected him and his lies.

            That’s just how it is with him, and then when he was blatantly rejected, he turned to the one thing that has given him a place in society; his lies.

            So what do you think happened when the lies failed and he turned back to the lies to regain a social status?

            Well the lies increased dramatically, that much is a given but what else?

            People grew tired of them even faster and rejected him more frequently which led to more lies and I can honestly say that when I speak to the guy, nine out of every ten things he says are blatant lies, the other is just a bent truth.

            So, this is his defense mechanism we’re talking about.

            It’s grown pretty massive to try and make up for his social alienation but guess what?

            It didn’t stop growing because the problem it was trying to defend against was far too great and eventually, it consumed him.

            He’s lost in his web of lies, he has no family, he has no job, he has no education, and all he has to show for it is some lies.

            But don’t think for a second I’m ragging on him, he’s a dear friend of mine so just hear me out.

            What would you do if you came across some street kid smoking pot, no family or friends, job or anything really? I highly doubt you’d look up to him, you’d most certainly look down on him, almost everyone would; it’s just a fact of life.

            But the thing is, though this is something we’d look down on, we can’t see the whole picture unless we step back.

            Society cast him away and created the problem, then when he rejoined it threw him away again. A part of his mind tried to help him, to protect him from the pain and it grew so large in an effort to protect him that it ended up being the thing that ruined his life completely, turning him into what you look down on.

            So, looking down on someone, we don’t think about the fact that it was us, it was Society that created the situation in the first place and that by looking down on them, we’re both oxymorons and hypocrites.

 

            Just fucking think about it for one god damn second, this is a dear friend of mine we’re talking about for god sakes.

            If you’ve never truly experience Social Alienation, then I doubt you could ever understand, but this child’s mind needed to protect him from something so insane that the thing trying to protect him ended up destroying him!

            It’s pretty fucked up when things designed to protect you are what kill you!

            How would you feel if your country’s military suddenly started attacking your country?!

            I’m sure you wouldn’t like it too much, but guess what!

            His soldiers are attacking his own country; it’s gone from lush plains to a devastated and cold war zone, uninhabitable with no survivors.

            But then, who cares?

            You’re society, if you don’t like what you created, then you’ll just look away.

            That fucking helps the problem!

            And if you don’t turn around? Then what? You’ll divide amongst yourselves and point your god damn fingers everywhere!

 

            You know who John Lennon is, don’t you?

            He was the hippy, who sang about love and peace; a truly wonderful man who was murdered.

            Yes yes, I know, the equilibrium theory of mine but let’s just shove that out the god damn window so we can have a look into some things.

            Lennon preached love and peace, didn’t he?

            How can there be love if there’s no peace and how can there be peace in a world like ours where society is unbelievably flawed, you’ve got horribly corrupt figures of power, and need of things like the Zeitgeist Movement that suggest that the true terror is the very ones who wage war on it?

            How can anyone with half a brain preach something as futile as this?

            You know what?

            John Lennon could! Meaning, he wasn’t just some stoned hippy, he was a prominent and great figure in history that had answers to society’s problems.

            Only he died before he could even begin a serious campaign against these flaws.

            Guess who killed him.

            His biggest fan while holding the book “Catcher in the Rye” by J. D. Salinger.

            Guess what said fan said on the topic of killing him!

            He said that he had to kill Lennon because he knew where the ducks went, albeit a rather quizzical thing to say but don’t dismiss its merit for a few moments.

            For those of you who don’t know the novel “Catcher in the Rye” let me explain the ducks.

            First off, throughout the book the main character, Holden Caulfield, asks quite a few people where the ducks went in winter. He asks if they migrate, or if they are brought away in some truck that picks them up.

            One cab driver in the novel even says that they’re frozen solid during winter, just left to stay there until they thaw and that’s how nature works but all throughout the novel he can’t seem to figure out where these ducks go when their pond becomes uninhabitable.

            The novel really does provide an ideal situation in which there is no obvious answer as to where they go, there always seems to be some counter argument, but apparently, John Lennon knew the answer to the question that had none.

            So, madness? Probably.

            Equilibrium? Definitely.

            I mean come on, the killer blatantly states it’s because he knew something he shouldn’t, he knew that society was flawed and all great heroes need to be solidified in death, John Lennon was just too early.

 

            This may seem unrelated and rather trivial but it certainly fits; I’m listening to music as I write and it just happens to be a song by the band “System of a Down”.

            The song is labeled “When Angels Deserve to Die.”

            Rather fitting, don’t you agree?

            Angels, these prominent bringers of blessings that can only aid you, deserve to die.

            Not just that angels die, but that they actually deserve it.

            Sounds an awful lot like John Lennon’s killer’s reasoning.

            Well get this, there’s a term repeated frequently in the song: “Self Righteous Suicide”.

            What a very interesting term that is.

            Firstly, we get suicide, which tends to be a bad thing, a last resort, the be all and more specifically the end all to everything.

            Samurai used it when they had been dishonored to a degree that they did not believe they had the right to live.

            But then we have the term “self righteous” accompanying.

            Self righteous, tends to mean that the person it’s referring to is somewhat stuck up, believing that they are right and justified in their actions; as though they are angels themselves.

            Typically we could pair some other terms to suicide that would make more sense, such as justified suicide or cowardly suicide.

            The first, referring to suicide was an acceptable decision. I’ll give an example.

            This may be a little brutal but it’s the most relative example that came to mind. Let’s assume you’re I a position where survival is in no way possible, and you will be killed soon. Your killer will gain something by killing you, we’ll say it’s a monster and wont live long enough to reach others if he doesn’t end your life himself. Then, it would be justified to end your life, thereby defeating the monster and saving others.

            A very extreme example, I know, but I’m just expressing the meaning. Other debatable examples could be suicide bombers. Depending on their motives, and I would not say that the 9/11 tragedy was justified in any way, so don’t you dare believe that for an instant.

            Cowardly Suicide would imply taking the cheap or easy way out. There was a movie, called something like Resident Evil, and at the end the head honcho of the evil organization was left to a mass amount of zombies that were closing in on him and were going to eat him.

            He brought his gun to his temple and pulled the trigger, though there were no bullets in the gun for him to commit suicide, he attempted it.

            So now that we know how things pair with suicide, how would self righteous pair with suicide, seriously?

            “Intolerant of other’s opinions, believing you are right and ignoring all others, whether they present logic or not, while you commit suicide” would be my definition but what does that mean exactly?

            The way I see it, it would be a term used to refer to another, who took the cowards way out, without having the courage or resolve to fight their way to better days.

            But now that my previous point of John Lennon has almost been completely forgotten it’s time to rein it back into the conversation.

            How does the term relate to Lennon’s death?

            Well simple, it’s not suicide, but it’s certainly self righteous that this killer thought that because Lennon knew the answer to the question he deserved to die.

            Of course that’s simplified, you should contemplate it yourself to get a deeper meaning, but for now I’m going on.

            Use a book mark if you have to but make sure you understand how they tie in together.

            So the killer assumes that Lennon is a problem because he knows something that would lead to progressive aid?

            Regardless if this is a god thing or a bad thing, this man has just proven himself to be oxymoronic.

            By killing Lennon he implies there is a problem and that he is trying to revert society to the way it was before Lennon.

            But the problem with that is, society had to be flawed for Lennon to rise up and find that knowledge.

            It makes me wonder, if this guy killed Lennon for knowing something he shouldn’t, doesn’t that mean that this guy knew it too?

 

            So that’s Lennon but he’s not the only tragic hero in the history of everything, is he?

            Of course not! I’ve already mentioned Lincoln, Kennedy, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr.

            But is that really all?

            There are countless figures in history who have done so many amazing things you just have to wonder if they too knew where the ducks went…

            Renee Decarte isn’t exactly a hero, but in some people’s worlds he saved them from head aches because of his solution to a tough philosophical question.

            Have you ever heard of Edgar Cayce? He was an amazing man, that much is obvious.

            If you don’t know who he is, let me explain it to you. This man too people’s requests for information, say the location of someone or how to be healed, and he’d fall into this trance. When he was in said trance he’s say things relating to the question and his wife would transcribe them for him.

            One thing that repeatedly came up in what he said was that the information came from a place called the Akashic Records where all information is kept. The thing is, they were all right, whether history wants to believe it or not, this man was a psychic.

            There is one story of an individual who came asking on health reasons and Cayce told them to go to such and such a store and ask for such and such a drug, but when they went the drug wasn’t there so they went back to Cayce and told him this.

            Cayce went into another trance and answered the question again, this time he gave the exact location, noting the position in the store, the shelf, how far back it was, and saying that it had been forgotten and was the only one left.

            The conclusion is that the individual did find it and I assume it helped.

            Pretty amazing, huh?

            Next up on this list of prominent figures keeping tabs on ducks is Nostradamus.

            Do you know who Nostradamus is? And no I’m not talking about the fictional hump back character of Notre Dame.

            Nostradamus was a man who published several prophetic books that have become horribly famous world wide.

            They are incredibly accurate and predict some large scale dangers such at Adolf Hitler. His prophecies say that all the forces will be against a man named Hister. But then again, if there’s a prophecy against a man named Hister, who would accept that as their name? Surely it’d be changed, or Nostradamus could have been slightly off; the point is it’s strikingly similar and it seems to fit perfectly.

 

            But as we can see there are obviously others who knew where the ducks went, why is it that Lennon was killed and not Nostradamus or Cayce?

            Cayce and Nostradamus did a lot for society with their talents but then again, they just provided the information, that didn’t take the initiative to make the world a better place, and to revert to an old point, neither did Einstein.

            So then, we can assume that this duck thing is much more unique than we assumed. Apparently Lennon didn’t just know the answer, he understood it and thereby acted upon it openly.

 

            But let me just throw in my final point.

            We’ve talked about heroes helping society and getting murdered. We’ve talked about the murderer’s motives. We’ve talked about those who more or less helped society but not with a zeal like the others. But we’ve yet to talk about one of the most well known figures in history that has died because of his help.

            I don’t care if you’re religious or not because for this point it doesn’t matter, you still probably know who Jesus is.

            Well guess what, the son of god was murdered too for helping out. Even if you think that it’s nothing more than a story than consider this; how is it that this problem I’m bringing up in today’s society, has roots way back then? One of our founding philosophical figures of history tells us a story of how society killed the heroes.

            So, do you remember my old point in the chapter on society? That every single individual is society and thereby needs to realize it is their duty to take the initiative on these matters and zealously work to remedy them.

 

            You know what I’d say if someone asked me where the ducks went in winter?

            I’d say I didn’t care because ducks aren’t the problem, they don’t live a corrupt society like we do so they can take care of themselves. We on the other hand, obviously can’t take care of ourselves.

            We can learn from all of these people who gave their lives so we could just open out damn eyes for one second and see the truth. Gandhi was shot right after bringing Hindus and Muslims together, as he walked his walk at night.

            Lincoln brought about freedom in the states and right after the civil war ended he was assassinated.

            You can see the pattern, I’m sure, but I don’t see ducks brutally murdering each other when one finds a food source for the others.

 

            So to conclude the chapter “On Redundancy” I will provide a conclusion ultimately concluding “On Redundancy”, in a somewhat redundant but climactic and thereby concluding sense.

            As a side note, the part that seriously freaking kills me is that I actually can’t think of a hero that had a socially known and active progressive campaign against societies flaws, like those already mentioned, that wasn’t murdered.

            I don’t know if you agree, and frankly, I don’t care; the world is messed up, that’s a fact whether you recognize it or not.

 

Third Interlude to Madness

 

            Welcome to the land of the third interlude, the fourth day of writing (or should I say night?) in my campaign.

            I’m just sitting down to write, it’s about quarter past one in the morning at the moment and quite honestly; it’s freaking freezing!

            Though, that might be because I’m not wearing a shirt and only wearing dress pants, but hey! I’m wearing a blanket too!

            One moment while I turn up the thermostat.

            Well let’s hope that starts working soon, or you may find me typing “brr” a lot as I shiver profusely.

            So, I’ve yet to reread most of what I’ve wrote but that doesn’t really matter as this is a diary and typically you don’t reread and edit your diaries, do you?

            Well anyways, the bits that I know I’ve wrote make me feel as though I’m getting across the point that I’m a rather sad and sorry individual; “From the dark of despair” if you will, but you probably wont.

            But that’s not me at all!

            You may have missed it but earlier on I mentioned that I was always happy and by god that’s almost completely true!

            See, I’ve had a hard life; that much is pretty evident and of course I feel strongly for quite a few things that I’ve previously mentioned but I mean come on! Who hasn’t?

            We all have it rough at some point in our past and I’ve only lived one life so how could I possibly relate how much harder yours is over mine or vice versa?

            To conclude that thought, I’ll be starting my next chapter which will be anything but a sob story, and do you know why?

            Because I can’t cry, as I’ve said.

            Heroes don’t cry. Tears may fall from their faces from time to time but they never fall to their knees and give up their worlds just to cry.

            It’s all about resolve.

 

On Resolve

 

            Do you by chance know what the term resolve means? To be resolved is to be resolute; to be steadfast and stalwart is to be resolved and resolute; to strive for your goal is to be resolved.

            But does that truly grasp resolve?

            Have you ever been truly resolute in your life? I don’t mean something small like you were going to get that parking spot whether the old lady wanted you to or not! I mean big things, very big things.

            How’s about this: you’re not going to give up, you’ll finish school without quitting? Still too small though.

            How’s about this one then: You will not allow your friend to make a decision that will undoubtedly ruin them?
            That’s closer but it’s still not enough.

            You will willingly lay down your life to protect your loved ones?

            Very stalwart and resolved, but still not what I’m looking for!

            I’ll give you a very good example of what I think resolve is.

            The apocalypse is upon us. Torrents of wind and hail are whipping around with such devastating and monstrous force that buildings are being shattered and blown apart.

            Flames are consuming parts of town and floods engulfing others. Lightning streaking the sky and danger lurking in every corner as the ocean currents gather up in the mighty force of a tidal wave; a tsunami.

            Your loved ones; husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé, parents, whatever – they’re moments from imminent death from this seemingly unstoppable force of nature.

            Now imagine, you know this, you know that the entire world every force beyond our comprehension is working together to wreak havoc on everything you know, and you don’t like it.

            Your loved ones are going to get hurt, but you wont allow it.

            You will not allow even the unstoppable to proceed and stand sternly on the beaches as a warning sign to the ocean, atop the mountains as a threat to the storms, and you stare down the flames with such an intense passion to protect that it cowers under your gaze.

            Being truly resolved means that you will catch that bullet or you will save the town by telling the storm to leave. It means that no matter what the situation is, you will find a way to fix things, however impossible it may seem.

            I’m not saying that being resolute means being superhuman, I’m saying that it means that you will do absolutely everything in your power to achieve your goal and nothing will stop you.

            Have you ever seen anyone even somewhat resolute? Even on a television show, movie or cartoon?

            We envy it, we recognize the resolve and we envy it.

            In cartoons and anime, the main characters typically fight against impossible odds to protect their precious people and because they are so resolved they are able to find a way.

            Whether or not this happens in real life, I’m using it as an example. We see this resolve and that’s why we’re drawn to things like that. The Terminator had a great factor for impossible odds and received a great review, as did countless other movies like The Last Samurai, King Arthur, Alien Vs Predator, Resident Evil, and the list goes on and on.

            I’m sure you can easily think of a story when someone has conquered something they weren’t thought to be able to best; it’s a common motif in our lives and it’s also believed to be part of the archetype for hero.

            And we’ve made a complete circle; we’ve returned to the notion of hero, but for good reason.

            Without heroes, nothing would be accomplished. It doesn’t matter if you’re completely resolved or not; you can still be a hero if you have your doubts.

            But this chapter is on resolve, not heroes, so we’ve got to stop short of that point and return to the notion of resolve.

            You should know by now that I’m spiritual, though I do dislike that chapter. But right now I want to take a minute to tell you about my spirituality but not in some embarrassed way, where I try to put it into a science to protect myself from social shunning and such.

            To blatantly start; I believe everything has a spirit. I believe that this spirit is just the aspect of our beings that is not physical; our bodies being the physical component of our bodies and thereby showing where our being resides in the physical realm.

            I believe there are many forces beyond our comprehension, spirits but without physical aspects thereby preventing us from “proving” they exist.

            For instance, can Fate not exist? Of course it can, but if it were to exist, simply as it’s put, it is nothing more than chance and coincidence. But when you apply it to the metaphysical it can grow into something we can’t imagine because we live in the physical world.

            You’ve heard of magic, but what is it exactly?

            Think hard on that question, make sure to go over every instance you’ve ever experienced something relating to magic before you come up with an answer.

            Is shooting a fireball from the tips of your fingers magic? What about manipulating water by will alone?

            No, those aren’t instances of magic and it’s for a simple reason; we’ve forgotten what magic truly is.

            Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R. Tolkien, is a true magician. Sure he shoots magic in the game, and uses a ray of light in the movies but in the book he’s a true magician.

            We can’t understand magic because it transcends the physical world and becomes something much more while we just attribute it to physical things but we can never truly grasp magic.

            It’s something we cannot perceive physically, never knowing when it exists or ceases to do so. But at the same time it’s something we can’t determine the effect; it’s essentially nothingness to us in the sense that the color blue doesn’t exist to a blind person.

            If someone has never had a sense, we cannot explain it to them; hence why psychology discredits ESP. But we can never truly prove that these things don’t exist, we can merely believe they do or don’t.

            So, we’ll assume there are these countless factors influencing our world that we cannot perceive or truly determine the roles they play in our lives.

            We’ll use fate as an example.

            We cannot see fate, we cannot hear it, taste it, smell it, or feel it; there is no way to perceive it but many people believe in it.

            So then, what role does it play? Is it merely a blueprint; a simple schedule for the entirety of existence, or something more?

            Now we’re getting into a philosophical discussion on fate verses free will so we’ll have to turn a bit.

            As I’m not going to get into the conversation or debate on whether or not free will exists, we’ll just assume it does and if that is so, fate itself cannot be set in stone.

            So how does it change? Is it just the future or something more?

            Truth is, I can’t walk you through this conversation, I can merely ask answerless questions to get you thinking about the infinite with your finite minds.

            But ponder this; if there are forces at work that are beyond our ability to understand, how can they be affected, as speed can be affected with acceleration and pressure with volume?

            We can’t answer that question, but when you think about resolve, or at least when I do, I get this spiritual sense that it is so interconnected with the world and I don’t doubt for a minute that it has a massive role in these forces we cannot perceive.

            So, when your life depends on it, when the entire world is conspiring against you and the gates of hell are rearing open before your very eyes, what happens if you’re completely resolute in the prevention of destruction?

            What happens if you will do whatever it takes, if there’s a way or not, to fix the situation?

            I may sound naïve but think about it seriously.