This is a novel I wrote for www.NaNoWriMo.org in November of 2008 called DIary of a Madman.
All rights reserved,
© S. R. Wilkes
Diary of a Madman
An introduction to Madness
I am a madman, and this is my diary.
In many ways this will adhere to, on some level or another, the truth and will not be fictional, but at the same time there will be many instances in which this will be a fictional story but merely expressed with my genuine thoughts.
Mostly throughout my novels, the main character is named Majoron, who is my main fictional character created in my likeness when I was very young and who has grown with me, by my side the entire way – but that’s because he has no choice in the matter; he’s a fictional character.
So I suppose since the name Majoron belongs to the main character of my novel’s and Majoron was created in my likeness, I guess I’ll hereby refer to myself as Majoron, though I don’t see why I’m not going to go by Samuel Wilkes as it is my name.
So where was I in this senseless Diary of mine?
Right, Madman, me; gotcha.
Normally I’d start with a bio of myself, making sure to dote on this and that, making you pity me here, and envy me there; that’s what we writers do, play with you.
But I’m not much in the mood so I’ll jump right into the plot I’ve laid down, which currently doesn’t exist.
Currently, I attend Bishops College High School, it’s my third year there and thereby my last; I’ll be graduating from grade 12 soon, but I can honestly say I don’t want to.
Sure there’s immense profit in graduating; I get to go to university and study to be a guidance councilor (A guidance councilor that’s a madman!) and take those writing courses I’ve dreamed of for so long, but it just doesn’t fill me with the same energetic happiness it once did.
I guess I’m really starting to realize that pretty soon there’ll be far less chances to really stockpile on acquaintances.
See I’ve always had one little problem with friends its simple really, I can sum it up in one sentence; I don’t make them easily.
Well that’s not exactly true, what I should have said was “I never used to make them easily.” But it’s too late, I’ve gone and lied to you, can you really believe another word I said?
I hope so, else why would you still be reading a book with diary in the title?
So, as I was saying; friends, don’t got many.
I never used to make friends easily and because of that, when I found someone in a position like mine and we connected we’d really bond.
So while my friends were few, my bonds were strong.
I guess that’s why I was so attached to J.
J was my best friend of all time at my last school; Beaconsfield Junior High. We met through the guidance councilor, who by the way is such an amazing man that I decided to be a junior high guidance councilor because of him.
In the beginning of my grade 7 year I was reading through the Lord of the Rings trilogy (though it’s a 6 book series) by Tolkien, you know the one of course, and this guidance councilor, B, noticed so he decided to introduce me to this other kid who was a year older than me.
The kid was J and we hit it off fast, really fast, way too fast.
I remember it perfect, exchanging hellos in the middle of the corridor, he said he and his friends were meeting for lunch and invited me, who graciously accepted being the social outcast that I am.
I remember his friends not showing as they weren’t real friends in the least, one getting sent to the Janeway; the local children’s hospital, because he smoked some bad marijuana one day, the other…. Well JR was just a misunderstood kid.
So that left me and J alone together all lunch under the deep blue sky.
We had gone down the parking lot, though it was much more like a road that bordered one side of the soccer field, and we had ate out lunch there, sitting on the ledge of the raised soccer field.
Funny story, we had almost everything in common; we both loved to draw, both loved to write, we both loved to read. We both thought magic was kool, and martial arts too.
Seemingly everything we could think of that one of us liked, the other one agreed.
So what then you ask?
Well not much, we just met up repeatedly every day to lunch, me and J, most of the time without either of the others.
Now before I continue, I must explain to you, I was a social outcast most of my life and tend to act awkwardly but strongly with resolve when I’m around people who could be potential friends.
J and I one day at lunch were with those other two friends of J’s that we were originally supposed to have lunch with on the first day; C, the one who smoked some bad marijuana, and JR, the misunderstood one.
We were now having lunch in the forest on the opposite side of the parking lot road thing.
I can still see the forest perfectly; it was big but it was mostly a clearing with a nice border of trees. It was like two perfect squares of trees or a rectangle with a line through the center making two squares.
Each of the two sections had one great big and old tree in the center and now that I think of it, the geometrical precision of the forest couldn’t’ve been anything other than man made…
Back to the point.
During this time in the woods, C was climbing the tree and JR was off doing his thing. J was halfway between me and C as though trying to converse with us both.
I had found a metal rod, or C had found it for me and I was holding it in my hands.
Some kid, just as old as I was at the time; 12, came into our part of the woods and approached annoyingly.
He was hostile, that much was obvious, but not in a physical way; he was just looking to take our territory.
A few blunt words were exchanged and he left promptly, but not without making his presence repeatedly known.
Everyone does that when they’re defeated, they have to leave something behind, some sort of evidence that they exist and hadn’t been completely crushed by defeat or something stupid like that.
God I can never understand it.
This kid was just hanging around us, we obviously didn’t like him and he obviously didn’t like us so there was no need for him to want to join our group and I’m sure he had nothing malicious or sadistic planned, he just wanted to exist in our eyes.
The sad thing was, we didn’t want to let him.
He came blatantly walking through the outer edge of our territory at the point when C was up the tree and JR was on the other side, J between C and I, while I was holding the metal rod none the less.
Don’t get the wrong idea, I didn’t beat the kid, that’d be crazy.
He faced me, none of the others, just me, and said something derogatory about me.
I told him to get lost and he replied with something along the lines of “Who’s gonna make me?”
I had the pole in my hands and I knew it, so I moved it barely enough to make it perfectly known to him that I was holding it and said “I’ve trained.”
It was a horribly corny thing to say; I admit it, but in the world of a 12 year old, it was a very strong thing. But the worst part is that it was one hundred percent true.
After all, training is what fighters and martial artists do; most 12 year olds don’t have the attention span to do any repetitive training like that so when one merely implied that they did, it was revered.
The kid looked at me; his eyes shifted to J and then back to me, and promptly left without another word.
Funny thing is… he never came back after that.
I don’t remember seeing him again.
When I returned to the group, I didn’t say much, nor did they but it was about a week or so later when J brought it up and openly laughed at how corny what I said was.
I said it was revered but I didn’t say we didn’t know how corny it sounded.
I agreed and to defend my honor I just stated that it was the truth and gave the pole a little spin.
I held it like a sword, but upside down and swung the back end up and down at an angle to my other side, and repeated, making a bow tie shape – it was all I knew how to do at the time.
They were awed none the less, showing someone something you know in any given topic tends to imply you know a lot more, it’s just a fact of life.
Over the next few weeks, J, JR, and C would ask me to show them how I did everything with a staff or stick and though I did show them a few things, I mostly told them that I didn’t know anything about what I did, it all just happened and that is the honest to god truth.
It’s almost completely true today except I do know everything that I’m doing with a Bo staff, it’s just that I don’t really care what I’m doing; I just let it go.
Sometime around then, JR and C were off doing whatever it was that they were doing in some other part of the forest, and something started between them.
To this day I’ve never figured out what the hell went on between them but it marked the end of their friendship and I’m pretty sure that JR punched C in the nose or vice versa.
So, with both of them being friends of J and enemies to each other, they both decided without the other knowing that they would stop hanging out with J because he was affiliated with the other.
Pretty moronic, huh?
So that left the group of the forest as just me and J.
We’d often move about between the forest and the ledge beside the soccer field but it didn’t much matter, the forest was normally always deserted.
Now, here’s where I want to continue by saying “I started to home school.” and continue on with how this affected our kingdom, but then I’d be leaving you unknowing as to a lot of who I am and we wouldn’t want that, would we?
So though I really don’t like talking about it because it makes me sound egotistic and somehow pseudo superior by trying to get pity, I’m really not so don’t pity me.
Seriously, don’t.
If you want to pity me, close the book and count to eleventy-one in your head before opening the book and continuing to read. There are much more important people to worry about, like the woman I’m currently in love with LMW who is now in Montreal as I write this and about five hours ago (it’s 3PM) she got out of her heart surgery and she’ll be heavily sedated for the next three days.
But don’t pity her either, she doesn’t need pity, she needs courage and hope.
Pray for her, even if you’re reading this twenty years after I’m dead; pray for her.
So, where was I?
Oh, right, I was at the sob story.
I told you I was a social ridicule, didn’t I?
Well right now in my story, I’m in
I was uprooted from my happy childhood (thank god!) and plunked right down in Bay Roberts,
It was grade five then, October I believe, 7 years ago.
I made some friends, yada yada yada, but this was around the time when I found out the first of a few problems I had.
I had ADHD but that’s not a big deal, everyone and their brother has ADHD or ADD (which is actually properly termed ADHD-H), but it’s really troublesome to say the least.
Honestly, that was a useless paragraph as it plays no part in the story at this time, the true problem was discovered sometime when I met with the stupidity of ignorance.
It was grade 6 then, different school, but honestly I think this thing showed it’s presence long before then, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it.
Anyways, grade 6, there were these girls (There’re always girls) and there were a lot of them.
You know elementary kids; all the boys are friends with each other and hate the girls while all the girls are friends with each other and hate the girls.
As funny as that sounds, it’s a mistake, I meant to say all the girls are friends with each other and hate the boys, but I guess it was just because I was thinking about being mad at the girls that I wrote that.
All the girls were piled up at the little inlet for the door; this is where they hung out and god they couldn’t’ve picked a more idiotic place to be.
Seriously, they all must have had insecurity issues to want to jam themselves into such a tiny space and block off all form of movement.
I was an introvert through and through so obviously I didn’t like the idea of literally having to squeeze through all of these girls.
You literally had to just walk forwards, turned sideways and crouched slightly, using your shoulder as a battering ram of sorts.
The other thing was the hair, bags, and clothing.
They were girls, so the hair was plentiful.
They were girls so the backpacks were seemingly always with them.
And they were girls so a lot of the time, I found they had useless extremities from their clothing.
Don’t take that as an implied sexual innuendo, it’s not, I’ll get to those sometime in junior high or late elementary. (Crazy huh?)
Right, back to idiotic behaviors.
When you went through with all this crap everywhere, you felt like you had your eyes closed and I know you wouldn’t have your eyes closed but the funny thing is I remember having my eyes closed.
But I didn’t, it’s just a faulty memory, we all have them.
I think I was leaving the class actually and being the introvert that I am, already not liking the whole pushing through them, I seriously didn’t like it when I tripped.
I fell over someone’s misplaced foot and hit hard, but I wasn’t hurt, just emotionally aggravated to say the least.
I jumped up, face red and a few tears in my eyes.
But let me stop once more, (this must be getting annoying, me interrupting the flow every second), I need to say that I cry a lot.
I’m not a crybaby that runs away from every problem and bully, all the way home to cry into my pillow, I really don’t.
If you must know, when faced with bullies I’m a pompous ass that tends to get beat up for his arrogance.
But whenever anything happens, I know I’m crying.
When I’m put on the spot, or directly spoken to by someone superior, my eyes water. Whenever I get angry, and this is the big one, my eyes start to water. Whenever someone has a cold, gets something in their eye, or normally wears glasses and isn’t, my eyes start to freaking water!
Weird thing is, I’ve reached a point when it’s impossible for me to cry anymore…
So I jumped up from the ground, faced all of these people who I knew (but I was wrong) looked down at me, with my face beat red and tears in my eyes.
I pretty much told them off, but I’m also forgetting something that I just remembered.
When I was on the ground in front of them, with my feet still in their midst, I remember kicking out in anger at them, as though they were one combined mass and no matter where I kicked, I’d hit the one that knocked me down.
I wasn’t that angry really but after embarrassing myself, getting a beat red face and teary eyes in front of them, I just had to go somewhere else, so that’s what I did.
It was brought to the attention of others, obviously, but I don’t see how, it wasn’t that big of a deal.
I ended up talking to the guidance councilor who to me was more like a cross between a behavioral engineer and a parole officer.
There was a woman too, I think she was a fleeting image of a guidance councilor.
They had brought me into this small little room that I didn’t even know existed and had never been brought to before (nor would be again) and sat me down at this lonely desk with a bright light.
It’s like they wanted to be cliché FBI investigators.
They told me about the situation, feeling that the people who weren’t involved (them) needed to tell the one who was there (me) what had happened. Then they decided that I, the one who obviously had a few social problems, needed to be faced with a large heaping of guilt.
Apparently the one I kicked wasn’t the one that tripped me; go figure.
The one I was tripped by and the one I kicked apparently went to see the guidance councilor each, but separately, and apparently they both told the story and cried in front of the guidance councilors, which I believe to be utter bull.
That is just one instance in which I got angry.
They occurred so frequently at that school that the principal himself made me a deal (and a contract however non legal a ten year old signing a contract is).
The deal was that if I had no issues during the entire week, I would get Friday afternoon’s off.
Now I wonder how much of an impression I’ve made thus far. Do you think I was an angry child?
No?
Well you’re wrong, I had an explosive temper, that was the big problem.
The biggest blast I’d give was when someone said something about
Funny thing was, if they used
So that’s how it was, I was an angry kid and in junior high with B the guidance councilor trying this that and this again to get it under control, they finally resorted to drastic measures; home schooling.
Which by the way is freaking insane!
I have no idea how they’d ever come to allow it; I had the ability to take however long I wanted on exams and even look up the freaking answers!
During this separation from J, I’m not entirely sure how he coped; we were best friends.
We’d literally spend hours upon hours on the phone, like seven a day; and now we couldn’t see each other daily at school.
But I’d walk down to school sometimes for lunch and find him, talking with B who was a dear friend but I could never really admit it to him.
I’d normally bring a bo staff too, which was just an insane little quirk of mine, I guess it made me feel empowered and if I felt that way, whether I realized it or not, my demeanor was different and that prevented people from really engaging me much.
B would always tell me that I wasn’t allowed to be there because I didn’t attend that school technically but J was the dearest friend I’d ever had, and he enjoyed me being there.
I went to school for certain periods, I think for English class and maybe tech because I enjoyed them.
It didn’t last long, the home schooling thing, because I remember going back sometime during that year.
You see, I already said J was a year older than me, thus a grade higher than me. He was in grade 8 and I was in grade 7, so obviously he’d reach nine in the next year and I’d be in 8, after that he’d be in high school and I wouldn’t be.
That was a problem for us so I decided to skip a grade.
Fat chance.
See ADHD is all about concentration, not the repetitive movements and sounds.
When someone has ADHD the neurons can’t fire as often in the area of the brain for concentration, but instead they fire more often in the area for movement; thereby making it pretty hard to concentrate and follow up on anything.
My first unconscious impression of this was that it only affected short term things, the immediate, the present; but though that’s true, it means that the long term is obviously affected.
I simply could not skip a grade like that.
Funny story; J failed grade 8 when I was trying to skip it.
We both ended up in the same grade 8 class though, it was pretty amazing, and oh so fun.
This, is another pivotal moment in my life; grade 8.
Yes J was my friend and as typical boy’s, typical humans none-the-less we’d partake in the lowering of others to raise ourselves in relation.
That means we insulted others.
One such person that we insulted, or more specifically, I insulted, was N.
N was a social outcast, and god, thinking of those times, he was so more involved in the world.
I’d torment him, just to annoy him and I think this is partly because I realized in my subconscious that this kid was in the same boat as I was, far more so than I’d realize for years to come.
The pivotal moment in my tormenting of N came when, as J as my audience, I literally followed him through the school, when it ended, towards the exit nagging at him and he, in anger, punched the lockers.
I stopped following him then, which I tend to do when people get angry. It’s like I realize what I’m doing and how if it happened to me, how I’d hate it after the fact; being so angry.
It’s been five years since then and I still haven’t figured this next part out.
Somehow, without knowing, N and I went from antagonists to friends and we started to develop a bond, like I had with J, but though this was weaker slightly, it was far more genuine and honest.
J didn’t like N though, that was a major set back. N was full of negative energy and being around us was so great for him, but J just couldn’t understand it, something about it rubbed him the wrong way I guess.
So it was stupid loyalty to J that led me to kind of brushing off N without ever saying so or openly doing anything. We’d just stand in the lobby as though waiting for a place for lunch until he’d leave but eventually that just kind of gave way and N stopped hanging around with us so much.
But me being me, started it up again.
I talked to him more often and we’d eat lunch together again, N and I, but J seriously didn’t like this. It was the end of grade 8 by now so there wasn’t much going on.
I think I distanced myself from N one final time before school ended and prevented myself from being able to restore connections with him.
Problem was, and I’m only realizing this now, grade 9 was the beginning of the end for J and me.
We were in different classes that year and didn’t talk anywhere near as much.
I on the other hand was in N’s class, actually sitting one seat behind him in social studies.
Every passing week, J and I would become slightly more distant, but we’d still meet at the ledge of the soccer field for lunch, but he’d bring others with him.
He’d bring people like SP, BS, and C, they were all great friends with him, he’d always make friends with the girls.
But these three were more social than him and pretty soon the entirety of everyone that’s ever really grown up with me was in that group and it was no longer J and me, it was me and them, or more precisely; them.
But I had my own way in this unofficial and thoroughly unknown battle.
I brought N with me to the ledge at lunch and I started to bring more people too, like SG, who has his own section of troubles in my life.
But even though we ate lunch together, we didn’t really eat lunch together at all.
See the soccer field was on a flat surface, level with the school while the road went downhill, thus creating the ledge.
After the soccer field, there was also a ledge, and down the hill there was a narrow strip of flat ground before the bordering fence of the school.
N, SG, and I would go to the strip at the bottom of the ledge and would take sticks to duel and sword fight.
I said I’d trained, but I’d never win because I hate fighting other people, I can’t stand it and I’m always so afraid to hit them and do something I don’t want to that I can’t actually do a thing.
The only way I could ever fight is if my explosive temper got the best of me, which has never happened thank god; I’d’ve killed someone! (Figuratively)
This was grade nine and that’s how it was for most of the year and I’m sure somewhere deep down in my subconscious I noticed the fact that I was distancing from J, who I wanted to grow up and live in the same house with, who I considered a brother.
That’s probably why I went overboard on the loyalty factor.
I mean I was loyal before then, but not as much as I was then. Before then, I remembered once instance when another of J’s friends that were a year ahead of me was hostile to him, whether or not he was serious, I never determined.
He held a rock in his hand, and it looked like he would throw it; it was pretty sharp looking.
I stepped in front of J and told him to drop it and implied that I’d block the rock before it reached J.
Here’s a trivial part of that conflict; DW, J’s friend the hostile one with the rock, noticeably turned and threw the rock to my right, which was the side of the sidewalk that the road was on.
I remember wondering fleetingly why he was throwing it there as J was behind me but I stepped in front of it none the less, I guess I decided that I wouldn’t take the risk of J stepping to the side without me noticing.
Anyways, the rock hit my forehead, scratching it and falling to the ground simply, nothing serious happened but I was loyal, I was loyal to J.
But when we distanced, I was so much more loyal.
You see, we both liked to write, and J had a really abstract sense of humor. He’d make jokes about being a guy named “Zheebababinuu” but during grade 9 he was always referred to as the name he gave himself; King Jerry.
I really shouldn’t use that name, even though it’s not his real name but it’s definitely recognizable by other people from that group, but oh well, who cares.
Anyways, J was King Jerry, and the ledge was now Jerryland.
I was his knight, his steward, tax collector, warrant officer, military force, you name it!
I was his freaking slave.
I’d take a bo staff that I had stashed up there, and wander around J-Land and the forest with it, fulfilling his orders.
When annoying pests invaded, he gave the order to find somewhere new, I went everywhere just to give him the most suitable choices.
There was an instance, when a guy who now goes to high school with me, JC, showed up on the ledge.
The ledge was pretty high, probably 13 feet or so at the end, the highest.
JC’s friends were at the bottom and JC came along the ledge right into J-land and I had my bo staff.
I asked J if he wanted me to essentially lock him out and J gave me a rushed affirmative.
We were both shy and loathed any engagement from strangers, JC was no exception.
When he got there, I blocked the path with my bo staff but he pushed through.
I blocked him with my body and said he wasn’t allowed in, but that didn’t matter.
It would have been better if I’d’ve realized he just wanted to jump off, but I was an idiot back then.
He pushed passed me and I pushed him into the fence bordering the soccer field and separating it from our ledge.
He pushed me back but I pushed him into it again, this time, I grabbed his throat in reflex, squeezing, strangling him.
But let me say this now, I’m not some dangerous crazed maniac on the loose that needs to be locked up in jail and given a forced vasectomy to prevent any descendants.
It was pure reflex, the neck is a weak point and very intense, that’s the reason why kids curse; it’s taboo and thereby they feel it has power, it’s revered.
So in my reflex to stop this intruder from preventing me in my quest to remain loyal to J, I gripped his throat.
But don’t forget, I’m a weak guy. I squeezed, but there’s no way in heck I could ever cut off his breathing.
He pushed my hand away, and I did it again with the other, discarding my staff, but he pushed me away and ultimately, we distanced ourselves, he decided to jump down just inside the gate to J-Land, rather than the innermost part of the ledge.
Thing was, I’d not only failed in my futile attempt to remain loyal to J, I’d grabbed his throat and shocked J.
It all went downhill from there; eventually SG and N as well as the returning JR who had also failed grade 8 were recruited into J’s kingdom and were put under my command, but that gave J in my preoccupied state controlling them, to essentially distance himself more.
It pretty much broke off than; our friendship.
But as for N, I brought him back into the picture early on in grade 9. One day in Social Studies I leaned forwards and urged him to give his work more effort, as he literally resigned from life most of the time.
This was literally the deciding factor and I realize now that I was the key to the outside world for him.
When I had essentially abandoned him, it was that trauma that sent him into a catatonic state of sorts.
But when I reopened those channels, which he couldn’t do alone, the world was renewed for him.
Our friendship was reformed, and he made other friends too, with SH, AE, and SG, all becoming good friends of mine, save for AE who liked to dote on derogation directed at myself, but that’s because I was too needy and clingy as I was always unsure how to act.
SG got me into the card game, Magic the Gathering, from wizards of the coast and it turned out that SH also played. With SG, I taught N how to play magic and pretty soon, it’s all we did really.
But SH always beat me and he always beat N. In fact, he always beat both of us even if we teamed up on him.
Our little brotherhood expanded, without J who liked to distance himself, and eventually a gracious teacher allowed us to use her classroom for lunch as she must’ve realized we were all social outcasts and essentially were drawn to each other.
We used J’s homeroom for lunch and we often played magic there. The school’s supply of TVs were also stored in that room and I started bringing N’s X-Box that he’d leave at my house, in to school and we would play it on the TVs.
It was unbelievable, some of the privileges we got when the teachers realized how much of a social disadvantage we held.
At the end of grade 9, AE moved to
But when he finished grade 9 he went to another school, Mount Pearl Senior High, along with a few others like J’s old friends JR and C.
Though I subconsciously knew that I was slowly but surely distancing from J, I didn’t consciously realize it.
The realization that my brother and in some ways my king even, was abandoning me would have been far too much for my angry self to take and would send me spiraling into a catatonic state of social alienation and depression; in a way my mind was making me oblivious just to protect me from realizing something I already knew.
Kinda funny, huh?
Grade ten hit and I showed up at the school I’m at now;
Ha, ha, ha… overused jokes aren’t funny in the least.
There weren’t any places to go for lunch really, we were in the middle of a much more industrial area without any places outside to stay so eventually I joined a group, with J of course.
It was actually pretty much the entirety of everyone who used to be at J-land before they all disappeared and I was sent on glory missions, the ones that were there when I dueled N; SP, BS, C and them all who, like all the other groups in the school, hung out sitting on the floor of the hallways.
I have no idea what happened to N at this point, I literally don’t know where he went and never saw him for about the first week.
J was in art the first year and he got this really nice booklet for drawing that all the art students get and he pretty much just lived in it, without talking to anyone much anymore; save for a few like SP and another girl TP who I think he helped a lot in her extroversion, but I’m not sure; I don’t know the girl.
This is one of the hardest things for me in my relationship with J; what I’m about to tell you but you should know it’s not the worst.
The only really honest things we’d ever say to each other were pretty much greetings and that was it.
They’d be really energetic on my part, and his too but I think he was just reflecting my mood.
I’d always be energetic and happy when I saw him, probably because I was given another chance to try and mend the distance I was slowly noticing.
But the other thing was, as I was always energetic and passionate when talking to him, I only ever said extreme things.
Not extreme like a murder with brutally vivid details, but extreme in things that were really prominent.
How hard something was for instance; just shocking things.
This was where J really shone, he’d always agree, every single time, he’d agree! Just like before but before had been genuine.
He became a master of reacting how he thought I wanted him to react, and I bought it most of the time.
If I explained how hard something I did was, he’d give a really shocked “woah” that noted in my favor and if I explained how annoying or troublesome something was being, he’d just give a “wow, that sucks” or something.
He just reflected the tone of what I’d told him and shot back the extreme; he was really good at that.
But there was one time he slipped up and it was really the beginning of the end for his acting.
He must not have been paying attention when I was talking to him because after I said that, he literally looked at me and asked “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” to which I responded with “That’s a bad thing, a really bad thing.”, we were talking about the game guild wars.
When I told him it was a really bad thing, he continued on simply as though he’d never even asked me the question and said “Woah, that sucks!” but it just seemed too strikingly out of place for me.
I doubt I’ll ever forget that conversation with him because it seemed to symbolize to me, his disassociation from me, my king’s abandonment of his eternally loyal soldier.
From then on he moved to another part of the school hallway along with his two seemingly new best friends; BS and C.
The only reason I was in the first group was because J was in it, the others I’d never seriously spoken to and doubted I ever would, being the socially inadequate introvert that I was but this was around the time that things with N became more prominent.
We were both underachievers because we were severe slackers.
I assume he has ADHD, I can just tell these things from being so used to it. Neither of us had much of a drive for school and both failed grade 9 but were pushed ahead by our parents.
I doubt I mentioned this but N also failed grade 8 like J, he’s a year older than me, as did SG and a few others I know.
But anyways, because we’d been pushed ahead, we were placed in all basic courses, and coincidentally enough; N and I were in the same classes of these basic courses.
There was only one out of our seven classes that we didn’t have together and that made for some serious improving in our relationship.
We sat together in all the classes delighting in each other’s company and eventually, when J left the group to go with BS and C, I brought N into the picture and we moved away from that group.
But literally only about 3 feet away.
The group was placed at the end of the third floor hallway, all hallways being an L shape and at this end there was a fire escape staircase, the group against those doors.
N and I positioned ourselves right on the other side of those big red doors on the small landing and soon enough SH had joined our ranks.
We pretty much did nothing but play magic cards during recess and lunch but that was all we needed to do.
The point was; we were social outcasts and merely interacting with other people was a good thing.
There were rocky parts in our relations of course, especially between SH and N, but for me, whenever there was a rocky point in time, I’d leave the group for a day or so and join J’s, at the stairwell located at the inside of the bend in the L shaped school on the third floor.
I’d always return though, rejoining N and SH and leaving J, which didn’t mean much anymore because J never really even spoke to me at this point in grade 10.
SH was a true introvert, we all were but it was far more obvious for him and N really doted on it.
He’d make jokes and I have to admit, though I regret it, I’d join in.
Eventually though, I resigned myself from insulting the others, though I myself was still being insulted and they failed to notice the fact that I stopped.
N continued regardless, and he liked to bring really brutal insults into play. He had this really big bestiality splurge with the insults, right near the ending of his friendship with SH.
SH began to stand up for himself more and more and eventually left the group, without another in mind.
It was one helluva courageous act, I’ll give him that.
It’s seriously hard to leave a group and be groupless for any period of time, it really is.
That left me and old N together in our group, but we mostly didn’t do much, half the time we didn’t even talk.
We’d play magic sometimes but there were a few times when one of us quit but eventually returned to it.
We both played Guild Wars and any online role playing game like that can be seriously consuming in conversation; I guess that’s one of the reasons why I was a geek.
N is a genius, that’s a fact and though I don’t like blatantly saying it, people like to say I’m one as well.
That being so most of our discussions were on the game mechanics, calculations and the like.
This is a serious point in the history of my life; one of the most prominent betrayals I’ve ever experienced.
One day in grade 10, I went down to find J and he wasn’t there, so I looked around the school and couldn’t find him.
Eventually I resigned and figured he wasn’t in school that day but more and more I looked and couldn’t find him, he never seemed to be in school.
I eventually stopped by at BS and C’s group where J always stayed and asked where he was.
Guess what I found out.
J had moved to
I was his god damn brother, and he didn’t even tell me he was leaving.
The closest thing I’d ever heard about it was in god damn grade 8 when he said his mom’s boyfriend was thinking about possibly moving up there sometime.
Not only that, he’d left two months prior and I’d had no word from even those who knew!
Everyone had gotten some sort of word about it, except for me.
There was a big period in time, probably from grade seven to nine, that I would have willingly gave up my life without a moments hesitation just to protect him because he was that dear to me.
Like Frodo and Sam from Tolkien’s lord of the ring trilogy!
Except J turned out to be a backstabber.
So that left me a little emotionally hurt, but I returned to N and stayed with him pretty consistently after that.
It wasn’t until grade 11, last year, that anything came up.
I’ll be touching on more of this in a later chapter, but it was another of the most prominent betrayals in my life, but this time no one betrayed me.
I betrayed N.
I’d pried into his life, dug way too deep, all in an attempt to help him out socially. He’d trusted me and he told me something that I misunderstood that involved hurting someone else.
The thing was, he wasn’t any different from the rest of us in saying it, it wasn’t some violence-to-be; it was a fact of humanity.
We don’t like it when someone strips us of our free will and comes between us and being able even live as human beings.
I didn’t really understand what had been discussed until after the fact.
I was too caught up in him mentioning hurting someone and so I went to a superior and told them that if nothing changed, he’d end up hurting someone.
It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life.
He was whisked away from a lot of classes and interviewed by the guidance councilor constantly, there were phone calls home to his parents and a great big, but hushed, deal made out of it all.
That’s when I was alienated from him and returned to the opposite side of those doors, along with SH and together we entered that group.
N on the other hand had once more been left behind, and his connections with me had been severed.
Besides this fact, it had been done in such a betraying manner that it must’ve been such an immense emotional trauma for him to bear.
From that point onwards, I’ve yet to seriously speak to him and every time I see him, during recess or lunch, it’s in the same spot at the top of those stairs in the fire escape, but he’s always laying there, on the ground, never speaking to anyone, never acknowledging anyone else’s existence, and ultimately, never interacting with anyone else.
And you want to know the worst part of it all?
It’s my fault.
On Women
I’m a man, so of course I’ve had romantic attractions.
You see, I had to be careful in saying that. I almost said “I’m a man, so of course I’ve had girlfriends.” but I realized that would be discriminatory against anyone bisexual or homosexual, which I really don’t want it to be.
I told you that I moved to
But what I failed to mention was that halfway through my grade 6 year I moved out here, to the capitol city of the middle of nowhere.
Thing was, I was halfway through grade 6 and grade six was the last grade in the school I joined when I got here.
But in order to continue this story I have to jump backwards again, back to that last school.
So I’ve said I had explosive anger problems, and ADHD, as well as that blurb on tears, so all in all I’m a pretty good test subject for guidance councilors world wide, don’t you think?
Well with my lack of effort in my school work I was assumed to be flying under the bar if you know what I mean.
They thought I was stupid, in case you didn’t understand my metaphor.
So amidst all that testing and crap with the guidance councilors, they performed an IQ test, and I believe this was one of the official ones that only went to 140, rather than infinite but I could be wrong.
Anyways, they tested me expecting me to be in the ranges of 70-80 but I actually had 127.
Go figure, I’m not lying either.
They apparently had proven I was a genius or something superficial like that.
So anyways, they threw that tidbit into my file and later on I moved to the city and my next school for half of grade 6.
Here’s the dandy that they never told me about. I found out from a classmate in grade 9, three years later.
Before I had even been to my first class one of the teachers went into my homeroom and told all the other students that the new kid was a genius with a very high IQ and that they needed to keep the noise down.
That’s freaking unbelievable, isn’t it?
Not only is it outrageous (mostly for me), but it’s also just plain stupid.
Who gives a rat’s ass if I have a high IQ or not? It means absolutely nothing and I’ve proven it when others do much better than me on tests. (Yes I understand that I’m being narrow minded and not paying attention to what the IQ really means.)
But not only that, no sir, keep the noise down?
What did they think I was going to be some chess playing Darwin-to-be, child prodigy that would have news reporters following my every move and bring them all fame and fortune?
Imbecilic.
But there was another individual who was a real nice treat.
The guidance councilor, S was a pretty nice fellow who tried pretty hard to help me. He set up a ranking system for my behavior that the teachers would fill out and I’d be awarded points which could be used to purchase things from him, even material items that cost him his own money to get me.
He was dedicated, I’ll give him that.
But throughout my short 6 months of being in that school, I frequented his office. There were three of us that spent our free time there, three of us that had our own individual problems; JB, JM, and me.
JB didn’t show much so it pretty much left it to me and JM and she was a pretty nice girl.
But I’ve got this problem, I don’t know how to act around girls and I find myself not only saying, but acting without thinking about what I’m doing.
You see, somewhere in my head I had the idea that you can only really associate with a member of the opposite gender that’s relatively close to your age if you’re dating them, so I figured since she was a great friend of mine, probably my best, that I had to date her.
So on that assumption I wrote a note one time, insuring that she saw me write it and later on when she asked what it said, I gave her the note asking her out.
She agreed and we went to see Bruce Almighty together in theaters.
At one point during the movie, she said the night before she’d dreamed of watching the movie with me and that at the part that was currently playing, something had happened between us.
It was obvious what she was implying; she wanted me to kiss her, plain and simple but I played stupid being the shy guy I am and eventually we parted for the night.
But the fact that we were dating spread quick and it feels now like we were kind of forced together by those rumors.
There was one time when she told me she got up at
She hadn’t shown.
Twice in our relationship she brought me to the park, bringing her friend both times for a game of truth or dare in which they had a multitude of sexual innuendos and at one point they even dared me to take off my pants.
This itself is surprising as we’d kissed once, and that was from a dare. But you should know, this was grade 6 and I was only eleven.
Would you care to hear my reaction? Personally I like it very much.
I didn’t yell, I didn’t get angry, I wasn’t sad or emotional in the least but I was resolute and I just love being resolute.
It’s mostly the voice and demeanor of someone completely resolved that I like.
For instance, when I said no, it was no louder than normal but it had a force about it that carried my words perfectly.
Right after rejecting, I promptly left the park and went home without another word spoken.
The next day at school however she passed me a note and this is really a big eyeballer.
She flat out asked me to have sex with her when we were only 11 years old and both in grade 6.
Well I flat out told her no and we pretty much stopped talking after that, but we were still sort of an item.
That brings me all the way to junior high, and how we both assumed we were still an item when we had literally not spoken the entire summer.
There was another guy in the picture too now, MP who I now competed with for her, though I had no reason to want her, I think it was a matter of victory and defeat.
Pride is a sin apparently.
This was in the school where B was the councilor and J was my king and brother.
B was great, he let J and I spend our lunches in his great big office, but this was also where I met JM most of the time.
She’d knock and gain entrance simply because it was me on the other side and I know without a doubt in my mind that she completely loved the fact that she could get me to do things for her, and that she had both me and MP into her.
Thing was, after about four or so months of this, I realized the truth; we weren’t a couple and she was using me.
It’s a real no brainer I know but I was just a kid and never had a girl before so I had no idea what to make of the situation.
So this is when my introverted defenses kick in; lowering those who oppose me and threaten my state of being.
So every chance I got, I called her (though I regret it) a tramp.
And I mean every chance I got, I literally mean it.
There were times when I must’ve said it a few dozen times consecutively, but hey, that’s immaturity for ya.
It was like that for all grade 7 and the first half of grade 8 when she happened to be in the same class as I was.
Except me and this guy who befriended me so that I wouldn’t become his enemy sometime, RA, we essentially double teamed her in the insults and man do I feel bad about that.
Eventually she sent a letter to every one of her e-mail contacts saying to respond if you cared for her and would care if she disappeared.
I didn’t respond though, but I can assure you, it wasn’t because I felt the opposed to what replying meant, I just really didn’t want to get involved.
Sometime down the road, I was going through old e-mails to reminisce, and I found it.
It was so appalling to me and so emotionally shaking that I replied immediately, regardless how late I was.
She’d probably forgotten she even sent the letter but it was a matter of principle; it was my duty.
That was a great thing though, it allowed us both to move on without any lingering spite towards the other, which was wonderful when I met JS in grade 9.
Now remember, I was a social outcast and not only that I couldn’t handle confrontation and acted very awkwardly in the presence of women.
Which are all reasons as to why I found myself romantically entangled with a woman over the internet.
We met on that game I’ve mentioned; Guild Wars and she was always such a free spirit and fun loving girl.
We started as friends online but eventually I think I said those three revered words fleetingly in grade 10 and that’s pretty much how it started.
But the thing was, while I was in this entangle with JS, there was another girl, AM at school.
She had been in my grade 9 class and was part of the group I more or less was part of.
We hit it off, her, I and J being a trio but it was very short lived.
You see, excluding J most of the time, I talked to her about my crush, which at the time was her, I just didn’t tell her that, and she supported me a lot in it.
She was so nice to me and so fun, that’s why I fell for her I think.
But then came this one time where after quite a lot of prodding on her part for me to tell this mystery girl, I said to her that I was going to do it right then and there.
That’s when I asked her out, but she didn’t seem surprised at all and agreed. We were going to go to the movies.
The next day however she canceled. She told me she was already caught up in this big whole romantic affair with some guy and didn’t want me to get caught up in it all, but she told me to ask her again after mid term exams.
I agreed but we pretty much distanced ourselves from then on, that’s when I turned to JS.
I made up the story that I thought I was in love with AM because I knew I was in love with someone but didn’t know it was JS so I thought it was AM but I don’t think that’s true.
I think that what actually conspired was that I fell for AM, was rejected, and in the midst of my rejection, turned to a quick fix which happened to be romantic entanglement with a woman that I wouldn’t have to see every day if something went wrong.
But it got pretty serious and we spent every day together on our computers, JS and I, and it was that was from about November of grade 10 to about march in grade 11.
That’s when I broke it off with JS.
I’d planned my entire life around JS, I was going to move to Florida as soon as I graduated and go to university there, she’d only be 20 minutes away and eventually I’d graduate, we’d make lots of money, get married and travel the world living off her art and my writing.
But fairy tales are normally the dreams we have that we know won’t come true.
One of the last things that happened between us, JS and I, was her urging me to join another group at school because at the time SH and N were being pretty disrespectful of me.
I agreed and looked around for the most positive group I could find and that led me to a group of people in which I already knew a few faces.
There was JBS who I knew from my Economics class, and there was KD from my healthy living class. There was JMA from my junior high and LMW who’s always seemed to be right near me, her name being whispered all around me.
I joined that group and everyone there was always just so amazingly positive and that gave me strength, it made me more positive and courageous, able to do what I’d known in my heart for so long.
I broke up with JS, she was unbelievably oppressive and always stopped me to force some belief or “better way” on me.
I protect the people I care for, hell I protect everyone. There was a point in time in which I saved SG’s life from suicide and she actually criticized me for it, telling me I was trying to be superman and fix everything in the world.
But though I agreed with her then, mostly because I couldn’t stand arguing with her because she always had to win, I wouldn’t stop being the helpful person I strive to be.
When I’d broken off JS, I was much more free to associate with other people, such as JBS from economics.
She was a year ahead of me and it was near the end of my second last year that we really became friends so it was really bad timing and we didn’t get much of a chance to associate.
But I could tell from the moment I met her, and I knew I was the only one who could, that there was something seriously wrong in her life.
She was in pain, and I knew it but I didn’t pry into her life, I just told her to cheer up, which seriously surprised her at first.
I guess it kind of fits, when I was the only person who could tell just by looking at her that something was wrong. It kinda fits that she had a dream where I could read her mind, her thoughts which are supposed to be our most private possessions that no one can ever see, and yet here I was, reading them easily, just like how I knew she was in pain.
In the dream, she thought the sentence “Can you read my mind?” and I apparently replied with a “yes.” and then to further prove it, she thought the sentence “kiss
I won’t really dote on that dream because me kissing her in a dream could mean absolutely nothing and just be hormones.
Or the kiss itself may mean nothing but the fact that I could read her thoughts and act on them was what mattered.
Anyways, after repeatedly giving her smiley faces and telling her to cheer up I suggested that she just go for a walk, without a destination, just walk.
And she did, surprisingly that day, as did I but we didn’t run into each other.
Later that day while I was still on my walk she called my cell and eventually we met up for another walk which was the beginning of her telling me the horrible story of her romantic and home life which I will not tell simply for privacy issues.
Point was, it made me really pity her, and I found myself saying “poor JBS” a lot.
I’m really not sure if I should say this but I guess keeping secrets is a bad thing and I don’t want to hide anything from my wonderful woman.
Also, I didn’t really do anything wrong.
There was one particular night that I hung out with JBS and we went for a walk as it became our usual. We stopped at a park and talked a lot more about her past and present life.
I was sitting on a slide in the park and she was sitting just in front of me. I gave her a hug during her story but that’s really off track.
After a large portion of her story, I reached out, took her hand, and kissed the back of it gently.
Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing implied with it, it was just as it used to be back when people actually used that action.
It was a sign of respect but I was using it differently, I was using it as a sign of pity and sadness.
Except she made absolutely no indication that she had even noticed.
Now, let me explain this a little more deeply.
I hadn’t performed the act of kissing her hand because I wanted her to go “aww” or something like that, it was an act of principle, not an act for reaction.
But because she was completely silent with absolutely no indication that I had done anything it really kind of got me the wrong way.
Ignoring it was fine, but she was blatantly ignoring it, I knew she’d noticed but was ignoring me, if she’d at least not hidden the fact that she was ignoring me, I probably would’ve left it alone, but instead I kissed her hand again.
All in all I think there were three or maybe even four times when I kissed her hand that evening.
And I still got no response, but I guess I was being selfish, after all she had just told me all about this horrible mess of romance and the kiss probably seemed like I was coming onto her rather than what it really was.
The other thing that was going on those days, was the romantic life I was having with another girl, I guess this also put JBS in an awkward position, afraid I was cheating with her but it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Someone who cheats on their significant other is one of the worst possible people on this earth and I would never commit the act.
So going back in time a bit, one day when I was sitting with the rest of the new group, LMW sat beside me and said something along the lines of; if I ever broke up with JS she was available.
Okay, there’s flirting and then there’s “I want you.” guess which one this was?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making up some egotistic story because of how full of myself I am, it’s the honest to god truth.
LMW sat beside me every day for a week after that and we talked a lot on our computers after school, but gradually I was falling for her.
At this point I was still with JS, and though I don’t want to admit it to her, LMW was one of the reasons why I broke up with her.
Sure I was starting to fall for LMW but there was something else.
Just being with LMW seemed to fill me with strength, and showed me the bonds that JS held me in.
There was no way I was going to let that continue and so I broke free.
So, after breaking up with JS, mainly because of LMW, who repeatedly said that if I ever broke up with JS she was available, what do you think I did?
Well what else could I do? I kind of got drawn into that relationship with LMW but there’s a neat thing with finally going out with her.
I’ve known of her since grade 7, it was the end of grade 11 at that point. We’d never actually met but she was pretty famous but I can’t honestly really remember most of how I heard of her, but her name seemed to be chasing me.
For half of grade ten, before I switched into the academic stream of courses she was in my English class, but we never even said hi to each other.
So it was like we’d been searching for each other that entire time and were primed for dating.
I’d kissed JM once long ago in grade 6 but that was on a dare, so I truly count my first kiss with LMW at about
It’s weird that I know that isn’t it?
Well it was a memorable moment, we were outside, all alone during lunchtime at school and the winds were blowing all around us.
There was almost no time left of lunch, five minutes to be precise and we’d had our first, and amazingly memorable, kiss.
That’s how I remember the time, the day I remember because of our anniversaries, and the year is really obvious.
LMW and I are still together and though I do admit I kind of just drifted into the relationship, I couldn’t be happier with the outcome.
Right now though, she’s away in
She’s the only girl that can make me cry, hell she’s the only thing on this earth that can make me cry.
Crying used to happen so frequently over the most trivial things for me that I guess I just repressed it so much that I grew an inability to cry.
Except when she’s involved.
I’ve cried because I’ve worried over her, I’ve cried because parting is just so tough, but I’ve also cried just because of how in love I was and I’ve cried because of how happy she makes me.
She’s the most wonderful woman in the world to me and I could not ask for more, which by the way is our song; I could not ask for more by Sarah Evans.
JBS though, after that night when I kissed her hand, it all seemed to stop.
She graduated and we never spoke much after that, never even spending spare time together and whether or not she agrees with me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is avoiding me.
And I know the reasons too.
There were two reasons, the first being that she thought we’d become emotionally attached in some romantic way and thereby alienating herself from LMW who was her friend as well.
The second is a deeper reason that there’s no way she would agree with me on, simply because it’s hidden from her conscious mind by he subconscious.
Early on in our friendship, she told me that she was jealous of my happiness.
She was really envious of it, I never get depressed or sad anymore, save when LMW has to go to a heart surgery!!
But on a more serious note, I’m always happy and it’s just part of who I am but the thing was, with JBS being the perfect student and so intelligent she couldn’t understand why her life was such a mess at the moment in regards to her love life and family.
She literally couldn’t understand or accept that I was happy and she wasn’t, so she attached herself to me and tackled me like a math problem, trying to figure me out and determine the answer.
To study me until she had all the variables, and conclude that 1) I was not actually happy, or 2) the reason why I was happy and she wasn’t.
To say the least she encountered solution number one, though it was not true, it was a good thing that she did.
There were a lot of hectic things going on and I said I was stressed out, but I really wasn’t, it was just an excuse to talk.
That pretty much was her answer; I was hiding that I was truly unhappy, however false it may be.
So that was why she was able to walk away from me and never return; she’d already solved me.
But now that that’s all said and done and I have moved on, writing these two novels for the group I’m part of has introduced me to a new woman; CB.
But don’t get any ideas, she’s not in this section because I’m going to get romantically attached to her; she’s just a great friend of mine.
The reason why she’s here is because she was romantically challenged, we’ll say, as was another of my friends KD.
Just to get them out there on the dating scene I forced them, quite literally at first, to go on a date and now, they’re a happy little couple, to whom I’ve dedicated my last novel to.
It’s so nice to create something so wonderful, and it’s just so heart warming to watch love bloom between two individuals.
On Friendship
In case you’ve yet to realize, these moments at the beginning of my chapters tend to have a rather useless blurb on one thing or another that’s pretty pointless; in this case, I’m talking about talking about pointless things at the beginning of chapters.
This is because it’s just a way to start writing, it’s a way to begin this conversation with myself and just let my mind sink into the depths of my body and my soul to rise out into my fingers that type all night long.
See, you don’t know this but right now it’s
This is for a simple reason, but it’s incredibly hard to explain; which is rare for a writer.
Writing is my equilibrium, and this diary is that but in it’s prime form. You see, writing is my passion, regardless where I end up with my life, I will be a writer; if it’s going to be my main profession I can’t say, but I will be writing at some point.
It’s when my true thoughts and feelings come out and right now, in the middle of the night no one is supposed to be alive.
Everyone is in bed, like you are right now as I write this, I’m sure.
The world itself has ceased to exist and the only thing that remains is very much my typing hands, and this story I’m spinning.
Even I am sleeping, ceasing to exist because my mind drops into an almost subconscious state where nothing proceeds save this habitual thing we call conversation.
We’re so good at it that we can literally just hand the reigns over to reflex and subconscious at times.
Which is one of the reasons why this diary is so shockingly honest; it comes from the section of my brain that does everything, including taking care of what I think and what I shouldn’t be thinking.
Deep stuff huh?
Sure is, as is friendship which I’ve yet to dote on and what this chapter is about.
I’ve already said I was a social outcast and that I was horrible at making friends, but now I really have to explain who I am and all that boring stuff.
Once more, don’t pity me.
I swear, don’t you pity me or I’ll come back from the grave and haunt you, assuming I’m dead, and if I’m not dead and I find out you pitied me, I’ll just be frustrated at you.
So anyways, when I was reading what I’d written about my anger and things, it seriously didn’t come off anywhere near as convincing as it needed to be. I was far angrier than what I’ve written can even glimpse.
I’ll relate to you a story, but it bears no significance as to where in my life I’ll be setting as a starting point in this chapter.
Instead, it’ll just show you the kind of place I can go, and tell you just how bad it can be when I go beyond it, which I’ve done.
Back in my old junior high school; Beaconsfield Junior High, there was this principal (Or Vice-Principal, I’m not quite sure) and her name was Mrs. M.
I forget what it is that I did but it was during classes, and I was brought into her audience.
Really makes it sound like a beggar before a king, doesn’t it? Eh Queen Elizabeth? I’m the beggar, and you, my dear readers, are the
So anyways, when I get mad, I know I’m mad and I try to fix the problem by removing myself from situations, good old B the guidance councilor taught me that; god he was great and this better not sound like sarcasm.
There’s just one problem with that in junior high.
You’re a kid, so they feel a need to supervise you, show you the better way, assert control and the likes.
After all, what authorative figure could ever be told by a mere twelve year old what they were going to do, that they were going to leave the principal without even listening to what they had to say because the child thought they had a better way to deal with a situation, and accept it?
You see, if I were to go up to George Bush, or Barrack Obama, or whoever is the president of the United States now, and say he was in front of some building (like that one with Lincoln sitting there, because there’s an inlet for the door), and there was an assassin inside the door that no one but me knew about.
Say he was seconds from assassinating the president, and everyone was outside in crowds kept out of the president’s way, thereby making it so that no one save myself could see this assassin.
Now assume I had a gun, and I drew it in an attempt to take out the assassin as by the time I could tell him that there was an assassin, he’d be dead.
The instant I drew the weapon, I’d probably be killed myself by the security if the assassin didn’t get me first.
Now here’s when we change the characters of this event; the president becomes Mrs. M, and I remain myself. The assassin becomes my Anger, so present and threatening, whilst the security becomes Mrs. M’s ignorance or superiority. (We’ll say both.)
That’s why I wasn’t able to really get away, but I’m sure I quite literally ran the first opening I got.
But ya see, I’m not that stupid and I can tell, when I do something like that, that it’ll have really bad repercussions in the future, such as a suspension which would infuriate my mother and father.
So I came back, I’m not sure if I came back, or if I came back and ran away, returning a second time, but I know that at one point when I returned, she was in the Special Needs room, and I entered it.
That’s when she closed the door and locked it.
I was so mad at her, she was trapping me in this little tiny room, forcing me under her will because she couldn’t just let me deal with it myself; after all who knows best how to deal with a negative aspect of themselves that they know of and don’t like, than themselves?
I was screaming at her to let me out, I tried pushing passed but I was twelve and I was weak so she easily resisted.
I called her names, very derogatory names, I screamed loud enough for the whole school to hear; I was quite good at screaming as most prepubescent teenage boys are.
I was crying profusely and I remember at one point, I’d forced myself into the furthest corner from her (I realize this now) and had opened the window.
It was one of those windows where you turn the metal latch to the side and pull it down; the window pivoting at the center.
So anyways, there being a safety on an already small window that without the glass I still wouldn’t be able to fit through, I had it opened, with tears streaming down my cheeks, blubbering consistently and screaming profusely.
I remember at one point I said something along the lines of “Let me out now, you stupid bitch, let me out! Let me out! Let me out now, I’ll go through the fucking window, let me out now!”
You’d think she’d catch on, with my resolve and all.
The other thing was, there was another door in that room. It was the handicap bathroom and there was another door once inside that led to the hallway.
So after screaming so amazingly much and crying consistently, forcing open the window and near collapsing in the corner in my efforts, I decided to go through this bathroom.
I never like going through there, simply because I don’t want to get into the awkward position of there being someone in there, and by the way, when you’re horribly upset like I was then, you can’t just stop and knock politely, it would like create a paradox and crazy dragons would eat you, or something extreme like that.
So, I didn’t knock politely, or for that matter, at all. Which is why I didn’t know that an individual who I won’t give a name for, not even a misleading letter because it’s too easy to determine his identity and I won’t give it, well he was in there on the toilet.
So here comes this horrible red faced tear stained crazed wild raging beast through the one bathroom door, the beast then stopping dead in his tracks for about…
…Oh I’d say one, one hundredth of a second, which shows that I didn’t stop for long.
I turned around, returned to my prison and closed the door behind me when it was only like 2 steps forwards and I’d’ve been in the hall and thereby home free.
See how nice I am?
Bah!
But you know what else is pretty noteworthy?
Mrs. M, the instant I’d opened the door and mumbled “sorry” had said in a completely appalled and shocked voice “Sam!” like you’d say to a toddler for getting into the dog food or something trivial like that.
It’s hilarious how she said it like that, as though she hadn’t been affected in the slightest when I’d spent the better part of what felt like a half hour screaming at her.
Nope, she had to be shocked when I tried to leave through the bathroom, not when I tried to push myself through a crack in a window probably the same size as the thickness of your dining room table.
I sat on the ground, in the corner like you see in movies of people in horrible mental states wearing straight jackets in white padded cells; how they’re huddled into corners like for protection and such.
But I wasn’t trying to be cliché, or to copy a movie or theme just to gain pity or some emotion from something like that.
I just sat down, because I had nowhere else to go and sitting there removed her from my sight, she was adamant at the door saying nothing save for that last word so sitting there was essentially removing her from the world at that moment.
A little off topic but I read a story today about a famous man’s (Sigmund Freud) son I believe but it may have been his grandson.
The child when very young and hardly able to speak well would make long O sounds and “da” sounds while throwing a toy on a string over his bed and pulling it back.
He would make the “o-o-o-o” sound when it disappeared from his view, which Freud and his wife speculated to be the German word Fort which I believe means gone.
When he pulled it back and the toy reappeared the child made the “da” sound which was speculated to be the word “Da” (which is kind of obvious) and this meant there.
So essentially, the child would throw this thing away, say the word gone, then pull it back, and say there.
Freud speculated that this was because he was having trouble with the absence of his mother and by controlling the presence of this thing, he gained a symbol of power of presence which helped cope.
When I sat down and blocked her out completely, I guess it was the same thing, just trying to gain some sort of power and rid myself from the woman who had created the true problem by refusing to leave me alone for just a few moments.
This however had an affect on her and she felt a need to come closer to me, which itself would be horrid but it worked perfectly.
See there was a table in the middle of the room, yes, I said that. But the thing is, I was at one corner and when she came into my view again, she came from the right side, the door being on the opposite side of the table from me.
That was my opening, I didn’t even see the opening or consciously debate my actions; I just acted.
Can’t you see how desperate I was to remove myself from this woman who was literally causing me emotional torture?
I can’t imagine what I would have done if I couldn’t’ve escaped, but I think it would’ve had some serious repercussions on my life from then on.
Luckily I’d escaped and ran straight down the hall and outside.
But the instant I got outside the same realization of the retribution to come struck me and leaving would make things worse for more reasons than one.
For one, my family would know immediately and be horribly worried because they didn’t know exactly where their 12 year old was (it was a long way home).
Secondly, leaving the school without permission would garner a harsher punishment from the school, if it could get worse, but also from my parents. Their relief would be misplaced in criticism and thereby anger towards me and I would be severely punished at home.
The third reason and one of the most compelling was the walk home itself.
Don’t get me wrong, I am somewhat lazy but that played no part whatsoever in this reasoning.
The problem was that it was a long walk, mostly uphill but the difficulty wasn’t the problem; it was the speed.
I would be walking, and that would be slow and meticulous, I would be lost in my thoughts essentially meditating and leaving myself to think only of the horrid situation that had just transpired would royally suck.
So, when Mrs. M exited the school, I gave her the finger.
I’m so great, I was just thinking about how I didn’t want to leave and had the urge to return to her and when she shows up, I give her the finger.
True genius like they thought, huh?
Yes, yes, have your laughs; it was designed to be funny because it was idiotic but there is a reason to it.
I was creating more material for her to look down on, but for a reason. I was giving her grounds to punish me and though that would be a bad thing normally, if she engaged me which she was perfectly able to do, she would be bringing me back inside and thereby stopping me from going home.
And possibly granting me an audience with the amazing B who would either leave me alone as I needed, or yell at me in a few startlingly coherent and relative words that knocked some sense into me before leaving me alone as I needed.
But I think he was out that day, which really made the thing suck, he was rarely out and to tell you the truth, I think he was out because his wife was going into labor. (They got a nice and wonderful baby who I wish the grandest future with one of the grandest fathers who in my opinion saved my life.)
I was walking away from her, down the parking lot road thing towards an actual road as I gave her the finger, twice, but she just said “Oh Sam, don’t do that.”
Can you imagine?!
That’s the kind of thing you’d say to a child when they did something wrong, like they were playing with the dog because they found it amusing and didn’t know that the dog was trying to sleep.
I on the other hand was crying profusely, spent a half hour screaming, and literally ran like a hunted animal out of the school, now gave her the finger as I, the unsupervised teen, was leaving safe grounds onto the busy street without anyone else.
And she talks to me like a child, casually doing something trivial that’s slightly distasteful.
I tell ya, she didn’t know how to deal with people, that’s for sure.
Anyways, it got to the point when she actually gave up on me and went back inside.
Excuse my language but… What a bitch.
First she wouldn’t leave me alone because she had to show she was superior, then when I want her to try to force me into not being alone, she ups and leaves me on a busy street!
Well I wasn’t the kind of person who would go out on the street and take the long contemplative walk home – I went right back to school.
And you know what?
No one noticed.
So now that I told you that story and got lost in it, thereby running horribly off track, I’ll go back to my friendship topic.
But why did I need that again?
Right; to explain something almost meaningless - the exposition’s exposition.
So, when I was really young, I was a pretty normal kid, normal extroversion, wasn’t shy or anything like that.
I was just one helluva fun loving child who was always smiling and the like.
I had this great friend; A, who always came over all the time.
We’d do silly things like pretend to be ninjas and samurai, magical wizards and the like.
But then one day, A moved away and went to a different school.
I remember I wasn’t sad, it was really early on in my life and so I didn’t understand or notice too much.
We saw each other still but it grew less frequent as who can rely on a like 4 year old to remember to call his friends often.
That brought me up short, I didn’t really have many people come over for a very long period of maybe two months. Which actually is a very long time despite how it sounds, just imagine two months to a very young child like I was.
But I made new friends and had new experiences.
There was this one guy in my class, but I already used the name A so I’ll call him Ar I guess.
Anyways, Ar had this birthday party and I was invited because I was a guy and all guys in elementary are friends with all the other guys.
I went there and it was planned by his mother (No surprise there!) but there was this point in time, when all the guests went downstairs into the basement, which was massive, and sat on these couches which were all on one wall.
The basement extended into like a very wide hallway all the way across the house and Ar was the only one not sitting; he was standing in this space.
But then he started running down the hallway with his hand out to his side, straight out and in a fist.
It was a really odd thing; it really was.
But there was another person doing it, I don’t know who but he would run the same way as he did, but at the opposite time, so one would come towards us when one went away from us.
Their extended fists would hit each other, sort of – I think.
It was such a weird act; it really was.
I think the point was some young type of masculinity at hitting each other with your fists, even if it wasn’t affecting them at all.
Another person got up and started running, and then another.
I’m pretty sure there were only four of them up there running back and forth doing this fist thing but the thing was, no one said anything about it and the ones that stood up didn’t seem specifically chosen or anything.
So I sat there kind of fidgety for a bit and eventually stood up, running to the other side with my arm out.
I collided with Ar or someone but I think they must’ve been acting because I really wailed on um with my fist.
I only hit them once, running by but a hard fist of knuckles, combined with the running speed of two people can hurt I guess.
So next thing I know, I’m on the ground, and he’s clobbering me but his mother discovered it and I was taken upstairs where his sister let me play Mario because she was so nice.
My mom promptly picked me up and that’s the end of that.
It seems useless but that’s only on the surface.
Excluding content you get me trying to fit in, or even really to act, and getting a negative response; in this case getting clobbered.
There was another birthday, before A had moved away, and it was at his house. We were all in the basement, hiding but before A had even showed up we were just kind of playing.
There was this big metal pole in the center of the basement that I held with one hand and leaned off of as I more or less ran around it.
It was the feeling of inertia in the centrifugal motion, I believe the term is called.
Point is, the sensation was fun and I did it long before anything happened so people had a chance to notice, regardless if they did or not.
So then we all hid, A came home, we surprised him and I remember the moment perfectly; everything was quiet, he came in, we shouted a bit, he was mildly surprised and everyone shut up for him to talk.
But all he said was “You want to go play?” and everyone shouted in agreement before following him to the toy boxes which were on the opposite side of the basement meaning they’d have to cross it.
I on the other hand had grabbed the pole to spin on it; it was a time for fun after all.
Thing was, by this time I was far more shy and introverted, making it hard to talk to people (a problem I still have today).
That’s why I had said nothing when I started to spin on this thing, I wanted people to notice and comment so I could say it was fun and gain respect when they tried it and agreed.
Though, I will admit it was a silly and pointless thing to do, they still had a lot of time to see me doing it because I was ahead of everyone else because I wasn’t hiding in front of him, I was with him when he came downstairs; we were best friends.
But needless to say, my spinning resulted in two people banging their skulls together, luckily mine is really strong.
But A’s mom pretty much interrogated us and I said “I was spinning on the pole.” and without anything else ever being said, she responded with “Oh, so it’s your fault then.” which I can understand but I disagreed at the time.
That was a time when I was already oppressed in my communications with others, and a “superior” brought down negative repercussions when I tried to communicate.
There are many, many instances of this;
At one point, in grade one our class had half grade ones and half grade threes, each new grade one, as half of us switched from our last class, were paired with a grade three; mine being a bulky bully named Br.
Br was always out for himself which is expected of such young kids and many times did he sucker me into doing things.
He’d leave me be out in the playground when I didn’t know where to go, he’d send me somewhere to skip ahead in the line, he’d blame something on me when it was blatantly his fault and he never cared for me.
One time, he even pushed me, deliberately, off of the highest point in the playground which was only about ten feet high but when you yourself are only about three feet high, it can hurt.
When I was that young there were also these three people who were five grades above me, I never even found out their names.
They followed me around and bullied me, everywhere on the playground and after such negative actions, I’d try to befriend them because they had power, they were able to take me down so joining their ranks would not only stop them, but give me power too.
Which is stupid.
But that’s why I didn’t run away when they approached me one day with conversation on video games.
The leader of the group asked what system I had. I replied saying that I had a sega system. He asked what games, I told him sonic the hedgehog, echo the dolphin, Knuckles, and Tetris.
Well guess what he told me.
He was so nice, he told me a cheat code for Sonic the hedgehog, which is a game in which you’re a blue hedgehog who jumps on enemies to turn them back into the friendly furry forest animals they used to be before being turned into massive monsters.
There’s no actual combat, much like Mario.
But this guy, told me how to do the “super punch” cheat code.
He spat out some random buttons and said it was for the super punch and as he said super punch he punched me, what a swell guy; he even demonstrated!
Their oppression went on for maybe 2 to 3 years when they graduated.
But once more there was another group; there always was.
Since about grade two or three, there were three people. Da, Kr, and
They’d beat me up, they’d knock me down, they’d steal my things and say spiteful things.
They’d temporarily befriend me, gain my trust, and when the moment struck backstab me in glee.
That went on until grade four or five, a little before I moved to the middle of nowhere.
All through this time I did have friends, there were two serious ones; TM and AS. TM was a tough kid who was always favored by everyone and was never bullied; ever, and AS was just simply cool enough to get the same treatment.
I was never bullied when they were around.
The only problem is they weren’t around when I was bullied.
TM was more of a friend than AS and we’d spend more time playing. I’d always have something to tell him, just to try to raise myself a tiny bit in his eyes, in the eyes of someone.
That’s why I came up with the idea that I was the character Gohan from a television show all about Japanese martial artists who can fly and the like to save the world.
That specific character was the main character’s son; I guess I didn’t think myself worthy for the main character’s position.
When I told TM he responded with “I know. Duh. I’m Goku.” which was the main character, my character’s father.
We played this game a lot and I remember one time, as in the show they can sense the location of allies, I told him that I could sense him and I made clear that I wasn’t playing the game of pretending to be Gohan, which was the only time either of us had ever said anything about it being pretend.
He just responded with a very worried sounding “That’s not good.” but it also sounded like he couldn’t think up anything else to say, save that. No explanation why or anything but he was adamant that it was a bad thing.
This position of power was a bad thing.
So I had to relinquish it and forget all about sensing.
So that friend pretty much dug me a grave, but don’t get me wrong here.
I’m not just ragging on everyone who has ever wronged me, I’m just showing you the quantity of times I’ve been oppressed in communications and interacting with others.
When I moved, I was acting childish, as I was a child and dancing around.
I knocked this fellow over, JE, and he hit his spine off of the corner of a table.
My instincts took over and I ran!
I was chased by students trying to do the right thing by stopping the culprit from getting away but the neat thing was, though I went to the office and called my mom, getting a little teary, Me and JE became best friends after that.
We were great friends going everywhere together and by god JE was ever a newfie if ya ever saws one b’y.
He always had this great big unique and stupid looking grin on his face – always. Which was neat too, he was always positive and we had a great time. He was the only one I talked to and by this point I was horribly seclusive.
Thing was, I’d moved there half way through grade five and left half way through grade six so there was no time for fun and eventually, I had to part with one of the few friends who never looked down on me.
Then there was JM the truth or dare girl that I told you about in the last chapter. She was pretty much my friend but you know how that all worked out.
The next noteworthy person excluding the serious antagonists who have always been on my back, (Bullies LOVE me), was J.
J was great, he was by far one of the best friends I have ever had or ever will have.
Just by being his friend for those three years before he disappeared and betrayed me, he helped me with my social skills massively, though it wasn’t a very significant increase, it was still massive by my standards.
When he betrayed me though, I just kind of moped around a bit and went off with N and SH and SG who came around a bit.
SG, I first met in grade 9, he had failed grade 8 and repeated it and was thereby a year older than me.
He was also like the only on in junior high with facial hair so he was kool.
He claimed to be horribly intelligent and to have a certificate at his house that said he was the most intelligent person in
Man the amount of criticism I could give that really makes me glad I don’t try to boast about my supposedly high IQ.
Anyways, he was still my friend but he’d had just as hard a life in social alienation as I had so he had his own negative quirks.
The thing was he wasn’t shy so that negative feedback had to go somewhere in who he was, the problem is it went to one of the worst places possible.
This kid is someone I can’t help as much as I’d like.
He lies, everyone, and I mean Everyone who knows the guy knows he lies.
He’s the most intelligent person in Newfoundland; that failed grade 8, he was offered a position at Microsoft because he’s a super hacker that can hack the schools “mainframe” (Geeks or anyone who knows anything about computers don’t even use that term in jokes) in under a minute.
Apparently he also jumped over the
Sure, these are all incredible lies, but even if we know them and look down on them, he’s proving his individuality.
He’s screaming “Look! I’m here! I’m alive! Can’t you see me? Will you pay attention to me?” and when he says that by lying, we all say yes.
Sure we look down on him, but now we’re interacting with him. It’s a very different method from my silent foolishness, but it gets the same effect; interaction.
Thing was, these didn’t help him in the least and though I believe it was a way for him to cope at one point, this thing dominated his life.
It kept growing and growing and eventually it was too big and it became incredibly frequent in the most trivial matters that show absolutely no purpose, not even for the simple envy of something.
“What did you have for dinner?” I’d ask for example, and I’d know he had steak or something.
“Eggs” he might respond. But really, what purpose does having eggs over steak serve? I’d prefer steak.
Sure this example can gain him pity but it’s just an example and I didn’t intend it to, it was supposed to be something that literally gained him no opinion from the person he lied to.
But he was my friend.
And he never made fun of me in earnest. The few times that he did, was when he was essentially forced to by being insulted himself, which I completely don’t hold against him.
He’d come over at the worst times though, he had nothing else to do besides visit me and SH.
We’d have fun none the less, play magic and such, maybe some guild wars or go for a walk.
I couldn’t leave him alone though, ‘cause he’d probably be doing something I didn’t like, like watching porn on my computer which I’d promptly delete and move away from him.
Or for instance he stole money from my wallet once, everything I had in it too I think, which is much more understandable because he came from a very poor family in a poor housing area with a lousy life.
But I didn’t like him resorting to things like that so I’d tend to find a way to be around him consistently.
He’d normally join N, SH, and I at school but eventually he moved out on his own and went to a different school, at which point he stole a check for his land lord which got him kicked out.
There was no purpose for him to steal the check; it was just his mentality that made him.
So anyways, he returned eventually, supposedly to go to this school, but then again we never really believed much of what he said, especially things that were noteworthy to us like that.
SH actually looked at the form for transfer apparently to validate it and proved it true.
Funny thing is, I haven’t seen him in school this year. He transferred back at the very beginning.
But I always tried to be friends with him.
There was one time when we weren’t friends, on horrible terms but I eventually told him I didn’t hate him and wouldn’t, that I’d be there for him regardless what situation our relationship was in.
Which leads me to something else entirely.
Around that time, I found a message from him, mere seconds after he had left it for everyone to see.
It read as follows: “By the time anyone sees this, it will be too late and I’ll be gone forever. Goodbye.”
Now let me tell you something, I don’t care who the hell you are but if you find a note like that from a friend of yours and you start to worry if you’ll make it in time; it’s the scariest fucking moment in your life.
You never know if you’ll make it just in time, or make it just too late.
But I made it just in time, and I talked him out of it, knocking some sense into the bastard.
That’s when I really drilled my message into his head “I’m always here for you, idiot!”
